self help or the Tower of Psychobabble
a play by Clark Carlton
PLAYERS
TYLER (35-40) Handsome, opinionated, sense of humor.
Bleeding heart.
PETER (30-40) Beautiful, melancholy, self-obsessed.
Sweet and confident facade concealing a sadist.
KYLE (35) A hungry actor. Troubled, impulsive, eager to please. Trendy, extreme dresser.
ANDREW (40-50) Kind, accepting friend.
Funny, spaced out.
DR. BANYON (45-60) A nervous, neurotic psychologist.
An aging hippie.
DR. DÕAGOSTINO (35-45) An oversexed and sexy
psychologist.
TIM (35-40) A
neurotic, whining psychologist. Materialistic,
status hungry.
TERRY (30-40) A bitch. Andrew's lover.
ERIC (35-45) A handsome shopper.
MINOR PLAYERS (portrayed by existing actors)
THE CLACK BOY
A FRENCH WAITER
AN ITALIAN WAITER
SANDY, BOB, RICK: The codependents.
ACT ONE
The set is non-representational with flexible set pieces to represent psychologist's
offices, bedrooms, restaurants, etc. A
movie camera, lights and a director's chair to the side of the stage may suggest
a movie set.
This is Los Angeles.
All objects and costumes are brightly colored except those worn by Peter
which are dark or black. Peter's
first costume is white.
Scenes are introduced by THE CLACK BOY who "marks"
each scene with a movie clack board, announcing the scene number and location.
The Clack Boy is a campy clown whose costumes reflect the theme of each
scene. He might provide sound effects or props as needed, might
bicker with the actors or audience members between scenes. The same actor may play TERRY.
Play begins with electronic dance music.
The cast emerges, cruising each other in the costumes of a Village People
for the year 2000. The men pair off, break away, pair again, as TYLER emerges in
a baseball jersey. He doesn't fit
in with them.
The dancers pull hand mirrors from their pockets and
surround Tyler, then turn the mirrors to the audience.
They look at their own reflections, scream in fright, then run off stage.
The Clack Boy thrusts his mirror into Tyler's hand.
He looks at himself, then picks up a journal and writes.
TYLER
Dear journal. I've never been
scared of anything. Now something's
happened that's made me see myself in a different way.
Who is my lover of 13 years, and who does he think I am that he would do
this to me?
The CLACK BOY, dressed as a member of a film crew with
a tool belt, announces the first scene.
ACT ONE, SCENE ONE - PROJECT LOVE FOOD
Tyler rushes in, grabs an apron, directs unseen
volunteers -- a master of the chaos. ANDREW
stirs a bowl amid the noises of cooking.
TYLER (CONT'D)
Candy, can you count out 800 containers? Thanks...later
on I want you to have my child. Richard,
can you and Enrique separate five hundred eggs for me?
Great...when you're done we can have a threeway.
Be prepared.
(to Andrew)
Thanks for starting that, Andrew.
I had to walk Countess.
ANDREW
Who's Countess?
TYLER
She's a 150 pound Great Dane. Her
dad's real sick and can't walk her. You
need a bulldozer to clean up after that dog.
ANDREW
Do you have time for that?
TYLER
Someone's got to do it.
ANDREW
Don't overextend yourself. And at the risk of doing that, can you come over Tuesday?
I'm having a reading of my new screenplay.
TYLER
Sure what's it about?
ANDREW
Set in the Sixties. A gay green
beret who falls in love with a gay Viet Cong.
TYLER
Uh, sounds like lots of conflict. What's
it called?
ANDREW
Mr. Saigon. Tyler -- you look
tired. Are you all right?
TYLER
Fine. I had a big weekend.
Went to a softball tournament in San Francisco.
ANDREW
How'd you do?
TYLER
Tied for fourth. Played a team
called Stormy Leather and beat the chaps off Ôem.
Tyler collapses in a chair.
ANDREW
Tyler, what's wrong?
TYLER
While we were up there trouncing the Castro Street Cocoa Puffs, Kyle moved out
on me.
ANDREW
What?
TYLER
I walked in the house and half the furniture was missing.
He left me a note saying he couldnÕt go on.
ANDREW
You must have been devastated.
TYLER
It felt like a punch in the stomach. Over
and over again.
ANDREW
Honey, come here.
Andrew and Tyler hug.
ANDREW (CONT'D)
Have you talked to him?
TYLER
I'm seeing him tomorrow. In the office of a gay marriage counselor.
ANDREW
Really? Which one?
TYLER
Leonard DÕAgostino.
ANDREW
Oh, DÕAgostino. Terry and I went
to him. Cutest little butt.
(a beat. Tyler stares at Andrew)
He's a good counselor too.
VOICE OFF STAGE
Tyler, telephone. It's your agent.
Tyler takes the phone.
TYLER
Hi. Really? When will we know?
That's fantastic. Thanks!
ANDREW
What is it?
TYLER
Paramount likes The Issue of My Loins.
ANDREW
And don't we all. What are you
talking about?
TYLER
My screenplay. They want a few more
people to read it, but they're very excited.
Oh my God! I can go to the
dentist!
ACT ONE, SCENE TWO - DR. DÕAGOSTINO'S OFFICE
Tyler and Kyle face DR. DÕAGOSTINO.
Kyle is dressed as a clown.
DÕAGOSTINO
I understand your struggling, but the most I can lower my fee is 120 an hour.
TYLER
Can't you go any lower?
DÕAGOSTINO
No. Kyle, why are you dressed like
that?
KYLE
I'm on my way to an audition for a new kid's show.
This is one of my characters, Tinkles the Clown.
Kyle stands and sings the "Tinkles" song in
falsetto while doing a little dance.
TINKLES
(to the tune of Happy Birthday)
I'm Tinkles the Clown!
Let's all fool around.
Though Tinkles I be
I promise not to pee!
(talking like Bozo)
At least I promise not to pee on you boys and girls.
Tyler looks aghast.
TYLER
Kyle...
KYLE
What?
TYLER
Do you really want to sing that in your audition?
KYLE
Why not?
TYLER
Let's all fool around? Jokes about peeing on children?
KYLE
My nephews loved it. This is
exactly what I'm talking about, Tyler. You're so critical, so controlling.
TYLER
This is what I'm talking about: turning our counseling session into the Tinkles
the Clown show.
DÕAGOSTINO
Hmmm. How long have you been
together?
TYLER
We were together for thirteen years.
DÕAGOSTINO
I've been with my own lover for thirteen years.
What do you want out of these session?
TYLER
I question the point in being here. We've
already broken up.
DÕAGOSTINO
So Tyler doesn't see any possibility of reconciling.
Do you want closure?
TYLER
Kyle gave me all the closure I needed when he moved out on me.
DÕAGOSTINO
Kyle, how do you feel?
Kyle shifts nervously.
KYLE
I'm thinking about reconciling.
TYLER
Maybe you should have thought about that before you moved out all your groovy
Sixties furniture.
KYLE
I'm sorry, honey, I...
TYLER
You're sorry, honey? You're not so
sorry? Do you know what it's like
to walk into an emptied house? Why
are you punishing me?
KYLE
I had to do that. You wouldn't have
let me move. You'd have pulled your
father shit on me.
TYLER
You can do whatever you want. And I
am not your father. I resent being
identified with a born again Air Force Colonel who campaigns for Pat Buchanan --
with a man whose only reading material is the Bible.
And the back of cereal boxes.
KYLE
Me thinks thou does protest too much.
TYLER
Doth.
KYLE
What?
TYLER
Me thinks thou doth protest too much.
KYLE
Oh, fuck you.
TYLER
Fuck you. And your father.
DÕAGOSTINO
Hmmmm. Tyler, why are you so angry
at Kyle's father?
TYLER
Do you know what his father said to me? He
called not knowing that Kyle had moved out.
Then he said, "Maybe Kyle met the right Christian girl.
Maybe you can meet a girl too, Tyler."
KYLE
Tell him what you said then.
TYLER
What?
KYLE
After my father said I might have met a girl, Tyler told him that for her to be
right, she'd have to be able to stick her Christian dick up my ass.
TYLER
Well, he pissed me off. He negated thirteen years of our marriage by thinking all you
had to do was meet the right woman.
DÕAGOSTINO
Tyler, you can't forget the man you're talking about is Kyle's family.
He didn't choose him. He
loves him.
TYLER
I thought I was Kyle's family.
DÕAGOSTINO
You've brought up an important point. When
the two of you met and fell in love, you chose a partner who resembles one or
both of your parents. I'd like each
of you to buy and read a book called "The Parents Within Your Partner".
TYLER
Wasn't that guy on Oprah?
DÕAGOSTINO
He was. I'd also like each of you
to put together a list of grievances which you will read and mirror back to each
other. I'll see you next week.
DÕAgostino exits.
Tyler and Kyle linger.
KYLE
Hey, I heard Paramount likes The Issue of My Loins.
TYLER
Yeah, no offer yet. Listen, the bed's
too big for my new place. Do you want it, or should I sell it?
Kyle starts to cry.
KYLE
Baby, don't sell the bed. I just need some time away.
ACT ONE, SCENE THREE - ANDREW'S HOUSE
Tyler and Andrew have plastic cups.
The buzz of a crowd is audible.
TYLER
He says he just wants time away.
ANDREW
Sounds like he wants a shift in power.
TYLER
He has all the power.
ANDREW
But he must have felt you had it.
TYLER
He has it now. He's the one who
left.
ANDREW
But if you don't go back to him, you're the one with all the power.
TYLER
Shit, I thought we were talking about love.
PETER enters, dressed in white.
PETER
Hi, Andrew. Sorry I'm late, I had
to walk Countess. She's a...
TYLER, ANDREW & PETER
Hundred and fifty pound Great Dane.
ANDREW
We know. Tyler, you remember Peter.
TYLER
Uh, sure. So you walk Countess at
night. I'm her morning walker.
PETER
Oh really. I'll tell you, you need
a steam shovel to clean up after that dog.
Peter and Tyler laugh then stare, struck with each
other.
PETER (CONT'D)
Let me get a drink and come back,
Peter exits. Tyler
swoons.
TYLER
Andrew, who is that? I could never
forget anyone that cute.
ANDREW
That's Peter Moon. You've met him
several times. He used to be Tim
Bregoff's lover.
TYLER
That's Tim's lover? The chubby
journalist?
ANDREW
Ex-lover. He shaved his moustache
and lost thirty pounds. He's
dating, you know. You might like
him. He reads a lot, likes nature.
And he's been working on himself.
TYLER
Working on himself?
ANDREW
Yes. He's gone back to his
therapist and joined some self-realization groups.
TYLER
My God, I've got that feeling.
ANDREW
What feeling?
TYLER
Like hot snakes are writhing through my lower intestine.
Like someone's banging a gong deep inside of me.
TERRY enters wearing an apron and oven mitts.
TERRY
Andrew, as host of this reading, do you think you could give me a hand in the
kitchen? It's not my screenplay
we're reading tonight.
ANDREW
Just give me a second, honey.
Peter returns with a drink, looks at Terry.
TERRY
A second has passed. If you don't
get into the kitchen and immediately assist me, then a pan of seafood lasagna is
going to be dumped on your side of the bed.
Terry smacks Andrew's butt as they exit.
TYLER
Andrew tells me you're dating.
PETER
Aren't you?
TYLER
No, I...
PETER
Don't want to get involved in any dangerous rebounds while you're vulnerable?
TYLER
Right.
PETER
I was surprised to hear you and Kyle broke up.
Everyone thought you had the perfect relationship.
TYLER
I was surprised too. Thought I'd be
with him the rest of my life.
PETER
The rest of your life?
TYLER
Maybe you've heard about me. The world's first and only monogamous homosexual.
When I lived in New York, people used to point me out on the street and
snicker: That's him, Tyler Sunnydale. Just
wants to fuck one guy.
PETER
I think that's refreshing.
TYLER
You do?
PETER
I do. You're not the only one,
Tyler. I'm sorry you're not dating.
TYLER
From what I hear it's hell out there.
PETER
Oh, it is. But when you're ready,
you'll find someone...someone smart and sweet and stable...someone who wants you
for his one and only man.
Andrew appears with a pile of scripts, hands one to
Tyler and Peter.
ANDREW
We're ready. Tyler, you're reading
the part of Sergeant Barry Sandals, and Peter, you're reading Touk Chee Win, the
Viet Cong commando. Your motivation is you're in love, and not even napalm can
stop you.
Andrew winks then leaves, but Tyler and Peter linger.
TYLER
Can I give you my number?
PETER
Let me give you mine.
TYLER
Great. Maybe we can go on a...date
or something.
ACT ONE, SCENE FOUR - DR. DÕAGOSTINO'S OFFICE
Tyler and Kyle face DÕAgostino.
Kyle is dressed like a leather and chain daddy.
DÕAGOSTINO
Good morning. Did you put together
your list of grievances?
TYLER
I did.
Kyle jumps up.
KYLE
I wrote down a few thoughts.
DÕAGOSTINO
All right. Why don't you go first,
Kyle?
KYLE
Okay. One: for the last year, Tyler
has owed me seven thousand dollars.
TYLER
I apologize. I want to pay it back.
KYLE
Two: I'm tired of you criticizing my clothes.
After I shaved my head and started wearing boots, you said I looked like
a Fascist fag.
TYLER
What you wear is your business. I
apologize.
KYLE
Three. Your moods.
You've gotten better, but you swing back and forth between being really
happy and abject depression.
TYLER
I apologize. When my work is
rejected, it sends me into a tailspin.
KYLE
Lastly, I resent being psychoanalyzed. You
are not my psychiatrist.
TYLER
Okay, Kyle, but if you wouldn't look inward, somebody had to.
DÕAGOSTINO
Tyler, your turn.
TYLER
You laughed at me in front of our friends and interrupted me when I was talking.
You weren't...
KYLE (interrupting)
Wait a minute, I...oops.
TYLER
...happy unless you had all the attention.
KYLE
I don't agree with all of that.
TYLER
You withdrew from me and kept everything a secret.
You blamed me for your unhappiness instead of admitting you hate getting
older.
KYLE
I told you I was going through an age crisis.
I...I was leaving the 18 to 34 group.
TYLER
You blamed me for your career failures, telling me I held you back.
KYLE
I still think that's true.
TYLER
Why? Because you would have been
free to sleep with the right people? You
tortured me by coming home at three in the morning without calling me.
Not once, or twice, or ten times, but over and over again.
I had to wonder if you weren't dead in a car wreck or getting fucked in
some bathhouse. You'd come home
drunk and then scream at me that I'd trapped you. (sobbing)
I should have left you over that alone.
DÕAgostino takes a moment.
DÕAGOSTINO
Hmmmmmm. There's a lot of hurt
here.
KYLE
It's my father. Whenever I came
home late, he made me get on my knees and pray to God for forgiveness.
TYLER
I am not your father!
DÕAGOSTINO
Go on, Tyler.
TYLER
As a result of having sex outside of our relationship, I got gonorrhea, scabies,
crabs, and shortly after I had hepatitis A, you gave me hepatitis B which has
compromised my liver. I resent the
mental anguish I was put through knowing you were having sex outside of our
relationship.
DÕAGOSTINO
What is your response, Kyle?
KYLE
I apologize, but that was all ten years ago.
Kyle starts to cry.
DÕAGOSTINO
What's next on your list?
TYLER
You moved out on me with no warning. You
destroyed our family. You left me
at a time when one of our animals is sick.
And that was ten days ago.
DÕAGOSTINO
Why did you do that, Kyle?
KYLE
I don't know. I was just in so much
pain. My psychologist told me I had to shit or get off the pot.
DÕAGOSTINO
Did he tell you to move without telling Tyler?
KYLE
No...
TYLER
He did it to hurt me...to make me feel like he does.
God damn you, Kyle. GOD DAMN
YOU TO FUCKING HELL!
Kyle and DÕAgostino are silent.
KYLE
I have one more thing to add to my list.
DÕAGOSTINO
Yes?
KYLE
Sometimes he gets really angry.
ACT ONE, SCENE FIVE - THE SAN GABRIEL MOUNTAINS
Tyler and Peter set up a picnic lunch.
TYLER
That's the furthest I've hiked since I was a Boy Scout.
PETER
You were a Boy Scout? I envy you.
Did you make Eagle?
TYLER
No, when I was thirteen, I grew my hair long, started smoking pot -- I was a
late blooming flower child. I could never have made Eagle anyway. You have to belong to a church and my family are all
atheists.
Peter falls silent.
PETER
Y-you're an atheist?
TYLER
Dirtiest word in the English language. It
means you're talking to no one when you pray.
I actually think there is something you could call God, but let's face
it, he's just a tireless watcher that never intervenes.
PETER
He doesn't?
TYLER
Nope. And that's why we have to
answer each other's prayers. I loved Boy Scouts -- camping, patriotism, some really hot
blowjobs ...
PETER
My mother wouldn't let me join. She
said there were too many camp outs away from home.
Were you ever religious?
TYLER
I was a Jesus Freak for about eight minutes in the Seventies.
I made this deal with Jesus -- I would stop masturbating if he would end
all these vivid fantasies I had about sex with men.
PETER
What happened?
TYLER
Jesus didn't hold up his end of the deal, and I still tug the pygmy
PETER
Are you always this open?
TYLER
'Fraid so. What religion were you
raised in?
PETER
Catholic.
TYLER
Ever thought about entering the priesthood?
PETER
I thought about it all the time. How
did you know?
TYLER
All you gay Catholic boys want to be priests.
You can run from your sexuality and still wear a dress in public.
PETER
They're called cassocks, Tyler. I...I
came very close to going to seminary.
TYLER
You'd have been a terrible priest.
PETER
Why?
TYLER
You'd have tempted half the parishioners to lust.
They'd be kneeling before you to get a communion wafer when they'd throw
up your cassock to get something else on their tongue instead.
I hope I'm not offending you.
PETER
Tyler, I left the church a long time ago.
TYLER
When?
PETER
I was twenty. How long have I known
you? About three hours? You should know something about me. I joined another church.
Well, a ... a cult, actually.
TYLER
Which one?
PETER
The Temple of Sacred Fire.
TYLER
Wait ... you mean those guys that wear orange turbans and carry swords?
PETER
That's the one.
TYLER
What did I just read about her -- Guru Baba Ram Raisin.
PETER
Baba Ram Lakshmi.
TYLER
Right. She got caught doing it with
the pool boys in the towel cabana at Caeser's Palace.
Peter looks pained, turns away from Tyler.
PETER
I feel really vulnerable telling you all this.
TYLER
It's all right. I have a
confession, too. I was a Hare
Krishna ... for a weekend.
PETER
You were?
TYLER
Yeah. I ran away from home and they
took me in. I loved all those
pictures of the blue skinned deities with twenty arms.
PETER
You know, I think I can talk to you.
TYLER
You can. You can tell me anything.
PETER
My ex and I had fantasies about you. We'd
see you at Andrew's parties and talk about taking you home with us. He would
just die if he knew we were on a date.
TYLER
Listen, I haven't done this dating thing in a long time.
Do we get to kiss at some point?
PETER
Yes. We do.
TYLER
Is that something we could do now?
Peter leaps on Tyler, kisses him ravenously.
After a while, Tyler comes up for air.
TYLER (CONT'D)
Wow. I wasn't sure I could do this.
PETER
You're doing fine.
Peter returns to kissing Tyler when he handily flips
Peter over. Tyler gets lost in Peter's face.
ACT ONE, SCENE SIX - DÕAGOSTINOÕS OFFICE
Tyler and Kyle face DÕAgostino.
TYLER
This has to be our last session.
KYLE & DÕAGOSTINO
Why?
Tyler smiles, looks delirious.
TYLER
I, uh, I've gotten all the closure I need.
DÕAGOSTINO
Hmmm. What's given you closure,
Tyler?
TYLER
I still don't know why Kyle left me. I
think he should admit he was fucking around on me.
All of his other behaviors are back...smoking,
drinking, doing drugs.
DÕAGOSTINO
Kyle, were you having sex outside of the relationship?
KYLE
No!
TYLER
Maybe you were, maybe you weren't.
KYLE
I wasn't Tyler. Did
you meet someone?
Tyler shrugs his shoulders.
TYLER
Maybe I have, maybe I haven't.
ACT ONE, SCENE SEVEN - A FRENCH RESTAURANT
Tyler and Peter have a candle light dinner.
TYLER
What have you been writing?
PETER
A couple of things.
An article about dreams -- mine are really wild -- and another about a
hermit I met in the Angeles Crest Mountains.
He's lived by himself in a tree house for years.
TYLER
I've felt like a hermit myself lately.
PETER
Tyler, that time has come to an end.
Peter takes Tyler's hand, stares into his eyes.
PETER
What kind of wine should we get?
TYLER
Whatever kind you like. It's all old grape juice to me.
A FRENCH WAITER comes by, notices them holding hands.
FRENCH WAITER
Have you decided?
PETER
The house white.
TYLER
An excellent decision. Uh, you know, Peter, this is a straight restaurant.
PETER
Does holding hands make you uncomfortable?
TYLER
Just a little. I
forgot what all this feels like.
PETER
What what feels like?
TYLER
Being with some beautiful guy you can't wait
to...to...
PETER
I know. I haven't felt this way since I was a baby, since I had the perfect mirror of my
mother's eyes.
TYLER
(a long pause)
What's that mean?
PETER
When I'm with you, I feel complete.
Like I've found a lost part of myself.
TYLER
Okay
Tyler is utterly charmed. The waiter sets down wine and they taste it.
TYLER
What do you think?
PETER
I think it's winsome.
TYLER
Winsome?
PETER
Yes. It
has a self-conscious charm.
TYLER
Does it?
PETER
It's a sassy little bitch. See, whenever you don't know what to say about a wine, talk
about it like it's a person. Talk
about a young wine like it was a charming child, and an old wine as if it were
royalty.
TYLER
Okay. Uh,
this wine has a maturity beyond its years, but the aftertaste is a little
bratty.
PETER
I agree.
TYLER
Peter...
PETER
Yes?
TYLER
Do you wanna spend the night?
PETER
I do, but I don't know if we should.
TYLER
It's too soon?
PETER
I'd just like to build up a little more intimacy.
TYLER
Maybe we could just sleep together.
PETER
I'd like that. I
want to kiss you.
TYLER
Soon.
PETER
No. Now.
Peter grabs him and they hungrily kiss.
They slip under the table. The
waiter returns and lifts the table cloth. His
eyes bulge.
ACT ONE, SCENE 8 - TYLERÕS BEDROOM
Tyler and Peter tear each otherÕs clothes off and jump
into bed. As the lights come up,
they have just finished up.
PETER
Wow. So that's what it feels like.
TYLER
What what feels like?
PETER
That's the first time I was ever...penetrated.
TYLER
That's the first time you ever got..?
In your whole life?
PETER
Yes.
TYLER
You should have told me. I'd have gone a lot slower.
Tim never wanted to be on top?
PETER
He did, but I wouldn't let him.
TYLER
Why not?
PETER
I wasn't ready for it. I just didn't feel safe with him.
TYLER
He tested...
PETER
Negative. I
just didn't want to give him that much control over me.
He was already so controlling.
TYLER
But you feel safe with me.
PETER
I do. I
feel there's a lot of room for me when I'm with you. Tim was very lively, and sometimes I hid behind him.
TYLER
I don't remember Tim like that at all.
To me he was this quiet guy who always overdressed.
PETER
I like how he dressed. He was quiet around you because you overwhelmed him.
He couldn't talk or eat when you were in the same room.
TYLER
Really. I'm
flattered.
PETER
Are you all right, Tyler? You're trembling.
TYLER
Well, truthfully, I...I feel scared.
I don't know of what.
Peter pulls Tyler to him.
PETER
It's all right to be scared. Will you spend my birthday with me?
TYLER
Of course. When
is it?
PETER
Next Tuesday. August
fourth.
TYLER
Did you say August fourth!?
Tyler jumps out of bed.
TYLER (CONT'D)
That is Kyle's birthday! Weird! But
that's okay...that's all right. Really.
It just goes to show that astrology is a crock of shit.
You and Kyle are nothing alike.
PETER
I think there's something to astrology.
And I must be like Kyle in some way, or you wouldn't be attracted to me.
TYLER
No. You
are not like Kyle at all
(a pause) What did you love about Tim?
PETER
Lots of things. He
had a good mind, a sense of adventure. And I ... I loved his pain.
TYLER
His pain?
PETER
Yeah. It
touched me.
TYLER
How did you meet?
PETER
At an encounter group Halloween party.
You had to come dressed as your illness.
Tim was so cute. He was
wearing a door mat.
A long pause. Tyler
is startled.
TYLER
Oh. How
were you dressed?
PETER
I brought a heavy quilt. Occasionally, I'd emerge from it, struggling for breath.
TYLER
Like you'd been smothered.
PETER
Yes.
TYLER
I'll keep that in mind.
They stare again.
An awkward pause.
PETER
What did you love about Kyle?
TYLER
He was like this big kid. He dragged me out of depressions and made me laugh.
I loved his happiness.
PETER
Oh. Really.
A second awkward pause.
PETER (CONT'D)
Then why did it end?
TYLER
Because he couldn't keep his dick at home.
PETER
Tim was a sex addict.
In recovery when I met him.
TYLER
A sex addict.
PETER
He estimates that he had over two thousand contacts.
TYLER
Kyle's had at least that many.
I mean, in the Seventies, wasn't everybody a sex addict?
How do you recover?
PETER
Twelve step programs, clinics.
Not everyone recognizes it as an addiction.
TYLER
Who ended it between you guys?
The longest pause yet.
PETER
Uh, it was mutual.
He was very neurotic, very narcissistic. Nothing or no one was ever good enough. He always wanted a Mercedes and when he finally got one, he
took it in four times to fix some imaginary rattle.
TYLER
Are you guys friends?
PETER
No. I can't
see him.
TYLER
Why not?
PETER
Because it would give him hope that we could get back
together. I think it's interesting
that you and I were both married to addicts.
TYLER
How?
PETER
It sounds like we share some codependency issues.
Peter pulls away, starts dressing.
PETER (CONT'D)
Tyler, don't take offense, but I feel this thing
between us is going too fast.
TYLER
Too fast?
PETER
Yes.
TYLER
Do you want to date other men?
PETER
No, I'm just a little nervous.
Here we are on our fourth date and we've already had sex.
It's a little scary.
TYLER
We can take it slow.
Don't you want to spend the night?
PETER
I would love to, but I've got to get up early and call
my shrink. Especially after what
happened tonight. I have to figure
out what I'm feeling.
Peter looks terrified as he wordlessly kisses Tyler
good-bye. Tyler turns to the
audience.
TYLER
Dear journal. I'm
feeling like there's a Maytag washer churning in my gut.
I'm falling fast for this man, but I wonder -- is this who I'm going to
grow old with?
ACT ONE, SCENE NINE - THE DOG PARK
Tyler and Kyle watch their dog frolic in the park.
Kyle smokes, looks depressed.
KYLE
What's the news on your screenplay?
TYLER
The coverage is good, they're still excited.
Mooky looks okay.
KYLE
The vet says he's completely recovered.
He might be honkin' around for a while.
TYLER
Thanks for keeping him.
KYLE
I'm glad to have him.
He helps me get through the hard days.
And I need someone to sleep with.
Kyle elbows Tyler, laughs too loud.
KYLE (CONT'D)
I need to ask you something. This guy I know was going to be my roommate, but it fell
through. It's a big place...three
bedrooms. One of them could be an
office. Do you know anyone who
might like to move in?
Tyler tenses, stares at Kyle.
TYLER
Are you asking me to move in with you?
KYLE
Don't make this hard for me.
TYLER
Kyle, how could I?
The way you left me? My
friends would think I was crazy and they'd be right.
KYLE
Tyler, I fucked up.
I want to come back.
TYLER
No
KYLE
Are you seeing someone?
TYLER
Do you really want to ask me that?
KYLE
Yes.
TYLER
Tell me first. Who
were you doing it with?
KYLE
I fooled around when I was on tour in London.
It was totally safe.
TYLER
Oh, that's great. When you came home from that trip,
you didn't talk to me for a month. Like
I had done something wrong. Listen,
right after we broke up, some of our friends came forward and told me about your
behavior at the gym. Apparently you
have quite a reputation, Shower Dog.
KYLE
Who told you that?
TYLER
Have you ever wondered if youÕre a sex addict?
KYLE
A sex addict?
TYLER
Yeah. When
I first met you, you were going to bathhouses and tea rooms and when you fucked
around on me you said you couldnÕt help it.
Are you going to sex clubs now?
KYLE
IÕve checked them out. DonÕt look at me like that.
I just wanted to know what was going on.
TYLER
What was going on?
What did you think was going on, taffy pulls?
KYLE
WhoÕs this guy youÕre seeing?
TYLER
HeÕs a friend of AndrewÕs.
KYLE
Does he have a name?
TYLER
Peter. His
name is Peter.
KYLE
What do you like about ... Peter?
TYLER
DonÕt torture yourself.
KYLE
No. I want
to know. Is he like me?
TYLER
No, heÕs a lot like me. He was faithful to his lover the entire time they were
together. ItÕs a different kind of
romance -- he needs a lot of ÒspaceÓ.
KYLE
Do you think itÕs serious?
TYLER
I think we might belong together.
KYLE
Rub it in, already.
TYLER
Kyle, I will always love you.
But I can never go back to someone who wants to hurt me.
Kyle lights a cigarette, stares intently at Tyler.
KYLE
I might as well tell you something.
I did meet someone in London. His
name is Byron. WeÕve had a long distance relationship for the last year.
I wanted to...
TYLER
(interrupting)
WhatÕs wrong with you, Kyle? No, what is wrong with me that I ever put up with any of this
shit? Byron?
Tyler stalks off.
Kyle calls after the dog.
ACT ONE, SCENE 10 - YOSEMITE NATIONAL PARK
Peter and Tyler undress, get into a sleeping bag.
TYLER (CONTÕD)
Wow. Just
look at Half Dome under moon light.
PETER
Yeah.
TYLER
Are you okay? YouÕve
been really quiet since dinner.
PETER
I was just thinking about my parents.
TYLER
Are they okay?
PETER
TheyÕre fine. I
just feel sad when I think about them.
TYLER
Why?
PETER
They ignored me, didnÕt see me for who I am.
They were so ... narcissistic. I
didnÕt get what I wanted from them.
TYLER
Then why are you thinking of them?
Why donÕt you just be here with me?
PETER
I know. I
should be. ItÕs just that they
left me with this wound, this hole that feels like it can never be filled.
TYLER
Peter, your parents arenÕt here now.
But I see you. I wonÕt ignore you. I
think youÕre really wonderful. IÕm
going out on a limb here but ... I ... I love you.
PETER
You didnÕt have to tell me. I love you, too.
TYLER
He loves me! He
loves me!
Tyler picks up Peter and twirls with him.
Peter suddenly reverts to infancy.
PETER
Do you really love me?
TYLER
I love you from the deepest part of my being.
PETER
Tyler, I canÕt ... I canÕt ...
TYLER
What?
PETER
I canÕt let love in.
Tyler pulls PeterÕs pants off.
TYLER
Yes you can. Let
it in now. YouÕre my boy now and
weÕre gonna take care of each other.
PETER
Tyler, I want you inside me.
TYLER
I want to be inside you. IÕm going to do it from behind, really hard and really fast.
It might hurt at first.
PETER
I hope it does.
Lights go to black, then come up for morning.
Tyler and Peter dress.
TYLER
I hate the drive back.
PETER
So do I. Back
to the city. Back to the world.
TYLER
Is something wrong?
PETER
I didnÕt sleep well.
TYLER
I know. You
were tossing and turning all night. Look
at me, Peter. YouÕre having a hard
time looking at me.
PETER
I know. ItÕs
because we said the ÒLÓ word.
TYLER
WhatÕs wrong with that?
PETER
IÕm afraid IÕll lose myself.
TYLER
Lose yourself?
PETER
ItÕs been a pattern.
I fall in love and forget who I am.
TYLER
Well, IÕll promise to remind you.
ACT ONE, SCENE ELEVEN - TYLERÕS CAR
Peter looks frightened as Tyler drives.
PETER
Tyler, I...
TYLER
What?
PETER
I had this dream last night. Actually, itÕs the third time IÕve had it.
Jesus, Mary and Joseph were watching you do it to me...
TYLER
You mean fuck you?
PETER
Yes. And
when you pulled out, my penis fell off. I
started screaming that we had to go to the hospital to sew it back on.
But you took it, put it in your purse and threw it in Lake Superior.
TYLER
In my purse?
PETER
Yes. Then
I realized I was late for my appearance on the old Tonight Show, the one with
Johnny Carson. I was getting my
make-up done in the green room when Ed McMahon came in, raped me from behind and
poured Budweiser down my back. All
the time he was laughing...A haw haw haw! Then
I sprouted mammaries and was forced to go on television with Joan Embry and
breast feed a baby gorilla from the San Diego Zoo. The meaning is so obvious!
TYLER
It is?
PETER
Yes. Your
repeated penetrations have stolen my manhood.
TYLER
Peter, IÕm not stealing your manhood when I fuck you.
IÕm giving you some of mine. You
can give me some of yours if you want.
PETER
You know, Tyler, I canÕt always be intimate with you.
TYLER
I canÕt always be intimate with you.
Why are you telling me this?
PETER
I had a lot of intimacy with Tim, but we had to pull
away sometimes.
TYLER
You did, or he did?
PETER
We both did. We
did this dance around it before we came back together.
TYLER
IÕm not like that.
I donÕt play games. And I
donÕt understand why we have to end every weekend with you pushing me away.
PETER
IÕm not pushing you away. ItÕs just that this is getting complicated.
TYLER
It is?
PETER
One of the things that intrigues me about you is that
youÕre the type who mates for life. That
frightens me too.
TYLER
Christ, Peter, itÕs not like IÕve registered our
china pattern.
PETER
I know. Just
sometimes when IÕm with you, I think about going back to Tim.
TYLER
Tim?! Why?
PETER
ItÕs what I know.
I just feel I connected with him in a way that I donÕt with you.
TYLER
Is it that pain thing?
PETER
Part of it.
TYLER
I can feel pain, too.
Believe me. IÕm not going
to dwell in it for you.
Peter opens the door.
PETER
Bye, Tyler. IÕll
miss you.
TYLER
Miss me? You
can see me tomorrow if you want.
PETER
No. I need
to miss you.
ACT ONE, SCENE 12 - PROJECT LOVE FOOD
Tyler and Andrew use rolling pins.
TYLER
Every time we part he looks scared or something,
He seems anxious for me to go and I leave feeling terrible.
I stop by the liquor store and buy cigarettes.
IÕm starting to think he has more baggage than a carousel at Kennedy
Airport.
ANDREW
HeÕs no saint, Tyler.
And he does withdraw.
VOICE OFF STAGE
Tyler, telephone.
ItÕs your agent.
TYLER
Uh oh. Sharie
Lansing read The Issue of My Loins. I
canÕt go to the phone. ItÕs like
that story of the lady or the tiger - either itÕs a wedding banquet or I get
devoured.
ANDREW
YouÕll never know unless you pick it up.
TYLER
Hi, Shelly.
Uh huh. Oh.
Okay.
Tyler can barely return the phone.
TYLER (CONTÕD)
Ms. Lansing thinks IÕm very talented, but this script
didnÕt get her hard. Why do I let
this stab me again and again?
Tyler crouches, stares at the floor, the picture of
despair.
ANDREW
Tyler, maybe you should see someone.
TYLER
See someone?
ANDREW
You know. A
therapist.
ACT ONE, SCENE THIRTEEN - DR. BANYONÕS OFFICE
Tyler paces in the office of DR. ALAN BANYON, who
wheels about in a rolling desk chair.
TYLER
I look at friends of mine who are buying homes and I
canÕt scrape my rent together. My
carÕs breaking down, my credit cards are maxed out.
I took the road less traveled and the pay has been shit.
DR. BANYON
And all of these problems seem bigger to you since you
broke up with Kyle.
TYLER
Right! No
matter what happened during the day, at night we were together in bed. ItÕs not
really a financial thing, Dr. Banyon.
I just want to work in my field.
DR. BANYON
Uh huh. It
sounds to me like youÕre going through a typical mid-life crisis.
TYLER
What?
DR. BANYON
A mid-life crisis.
You are familiar with the term.
TYLER
I was going to say IÕm too young to have a mid-life
crisis. But youÕre right -- my
life is ... half over.
DR. BANYON
And from what I gather, you have a lot of integrity.
You want to succeed on your own terms and be recognized for your talent.
TYLER
That is absolutely true!
DR. BANYON
Your values are actually against you. If
what you wanted was a Porsche and a home in the Hollywood Hills, you would have
had that already. People in
Hollywood donÕt trust guys like you. They
donÕt know who you are.
Tyler takes a seat on the floor, submitting to the
compassionate master.
TYLER
My God, Doctor, you are so right.
DR. BANYON
ThatÕs all we have time for.
Dr. Banyon gets up abruptly, walks off with his chair.
TYLER
You know, IÕm just sure I met you somewhere before.
You donÕt remember?
DR. BANYON
No, I really donÕt.
ACT ONE, SCENE 14 - LOCKER ROOM
Kyle is toweling off, eyeing the other nude men, when DÕAgostino
steps up to the next nozzle.
KYLE
Dr. DÕAgostino? ItÕs
Kyle. I didnÕt know you worked out
here.
DÕAGOSTINO
I didnÕt recognize you out of your clothes, Kyle. I
never heard from you or Tyler again. Did
you guys end it or start over?
KYLE
We ended it. Tyler
met somebody. Another client of
yours.
DÕAGOSTINO
Who?
KYLE
Peter Moon. Used
to be...
DÕAGOSTINO
Lovers with Tim Bregoff. I counseled them during their break-up. Tyler with Peter. Hmmmmmmmmmmm.
KYLE
What?
DÕAGOSTINO
Uh, nothing. So
have you been dating?
KYLE
No. IÕm
single, a free man. Free, free,
free.
DÕAGOSTINO
What do you do to get your thighs so big?
KYLE
ItÕs natural really.
How do you get your pecs so cut?
DÕAGOSTINO
Incline and decline bench press.
They eye each other.
A silence passes.
DÕAGOSTINO (CONTÕD)
The steam roomÕs empty.
KYLE
But youÕre married.
DÕAGOSTINO
We have an agreement.
KYLE
But I was a client of yours.
DÕAGOSTINO
Not anymore. Come
on.
DÕAgostino drops his towel, yanks off KyleÕs, prods
his butt off stage.
ACT ONE, SCENE 15 - PETERÕS BEDROOM - ONE WEEK LATER
Peter examines his purchases from shopping.
TYLER
You have a lot of mirrors.
PETER
So?
TYLER
Just noticing. And
pictures of yourself. Why do you
have a picture of yourself by the bed?
PETER
To make a daily affirmation. I pick up the picture and tell myself how much I love myself.
I love this shirt. YouÕd
look good in this shirt.
TYLER
No. Olive
brings out your eyes. It makes me
look jaundiced.
PETER
Why didnÕt you buy anything?
TYLER
I donÕt need anything.
Peter takes a belt from a bag.
PETER
I really like this belt.
TYLER
Yeah. So
you said.
PETER
I remember when I was first dating Tim, I stepped into
his walk-in and saw that he had thirty belts.
TYLER
Thirty belts?
PETER
I was so impressed.
I had just left the ashram with hardly anything but the clothes on my
back and he was making 50 thousand in his first year of practice.
That was such a sad time.
TYLER
If you had just met him, IÕd think it would be a happy
time. IÕm starting to think you
like being sad.
PETER
No, I donÕt.
TYLER
If I was seeing someoneÕs closet for the first time
and I saw that they had thirty belts, IÕd run the other way.
PETER
Why?
TYLER
ThatÕs someone who feels like theyÕll never have
enough. Like Imelda Marcos and her
shoes. I forgot what Tim does.
PETER
HeÕs a psychologist.
I think part of my attraction to him was so he could help me figure
myself out.
Tyler reacts. Uh
oh.
PETER (CONTÕD)
Tyler, IÕve been talking about belts for a reason.
TYLER
What about Ôem?
PETER
You wear the same belt everywhere.
You wear it hiking, you wear it to dinner parties.
ItÕs getting beat up.
TYLER
ItÕs the only belt I have.
PETER
You should get another one.
TYLER
I used to borrow KyleÕs. I donÕt buy belts.
PETER
Honey, people would respect you more if you dressed a
little better. IÕve had to ask
myself, what am I doing with a guy who wears such a ratty belt?
A long pause.
TYLER
I donÕt buy belts because my father used to whip me
with his. Now you are.
As for your clothes, I donÕt like everything you wear.
All the colors you pick are drab and depressing...unless youÕre wearing
floral patterns which I think look silly on you.
Peter is stunned, re-examines the shirt heÕs wearing.
TYLER (CONTÕD)
DonÕt make me over, Peter, and I wonÕt re-make you.
Peter smolders.
PETER
I knew shopping would bring up shit.
TYLER
ItÕs bringing up shit for you.
Somehow I sense you want your shit to be my shit.
PETER
Tyler, IÕm just thinking of you.
IÕm worried that youÕre denying yourself and living like an aesthetic.
It bugs me that your apartmentÕs so empty.
You should buy some furniture.
TYLER
Ascetic.
PETER
ThatÕs what I said.
TYLER
You said ÔaestheticÕ.
IÕm kind of a hippie, Peter. When
I have money, IÕd rather spend it on music or theater tickets or a really good
meal. I donÕt want to spend it on
a strip of dead cow. The reason I
donÕt have any furniture in my living room is because I need the space.
PETER
For what?
TYLER
To dance. Which
is something I do every day. You
might try that.
Tyler does a soulful dance around Peter.
TYLER (CONTÕD)
Do we need milk for breakfast?
PETER
IÕd rather you didnÕt spend the night.
I thought I told you.
Tyler stops dancing.
TYLER
No, you didnÕt.
PETER
IÕve got my male bonding retreat tomorrow.
I have to get up early and stretch my drum.
TYLER
Oh.
PETER
I love you, Tyler.
TYLER
I love you.
Tyler leaves, crushed. A spotlight comes on as the Clack Boy hands him a mirror and
his journal.
TYLER (CONTÕD)
Dear journal. Lately,
I get this feeling that IÕm not good enough for Peter.
HeÕs always examining me -- like my carÕs too old, my refrigerator
needs cleaning, and my bank balance is too small.
IÕm starting to see myself differently, through his eyes, and not really
liking it.
ACT ONE, SCENE SIXTEEN - PETERÕS APARTMENT
Peter opens the door and kisses Tyler.
PETER
This is for you.
Peter hands Tyler a box which he opens.
PETER (CONTÕD)
I just came from my therapists.
I talked it over with her and I was wrong.
IÕm sorry.
Tyler takes a belt out of the box.
He uses it to pull Peter into his embrace.
They hungrily kiss.
TYLER
Thank you, but I already bought one.
Actually, I bought several.
PETER
Several? WhyÕd
you do that?
TYLER
Because I want you to be proud of me.
PETER
I am proud of you.
IÕm just a little sad though.
TYLER
About what?
PETER
To find out weÕre not so much alike.
I have fantasies about dressing up in tuxedoes and arriving at AIDS
benefits in a new Miata.
TYLER
I hate tuxedoes. Monkey
suits. And those little sport cars
arenÕt safe. I hate cars anyway.
PETER
You hate cars?
TYLER
I loathe cars. The
auto industry is the most evil institution since the Spanish Inquisition.
PETER
It is?
TYLER
If I could go back in time and kill three people, IÕd
choose Hitler, Stalin and Henry Ford.
PETER
Why?
TYLER
Because he popularized the automobile.
Every year in this country, fifty thousand people die of automobile
crashes. A hundred thousand die
from lung disease related to car exhaust. Our
one and only Earth is scarred by highways and suburban sprawl.
PETER
Tyler, you drive a car.
TYLER
I live in Los Angeles.
Tyler tries on his new belt when Andrew and Terry
arrive.
TYLER, PETER, ANDREW & TERRY
(in unison)
Hiii-eee!
TERRY
Oh, look! I
see someone finally got a new belt.
TYLER
Wait, Terry, you just walked in the door and youÕre
starting with the bitchery all ready?
TERRY
WhoÕs being a bitch?
You got a new belt didnÕt you?
TYLER
Yes, I did. Maybe
later on I could whip your ass with it.
TERRY
Yoooooow! YouÕre
on.
TYLER
What movie did you bring?
ANDREW
I didnÕt bring it.
Terry did.
TERRY
Since Tyler and Andrew picked last time, that dreadful
Woody Allen thing that they howled through, we get to pick, and itÕs been
absolute ages since we rented Interview With the Vampire.
Terry and Peter imitate vampires biting each other.
TERRY (CONTÕD)
Speaking of which, Tom Cruise and that thing heÕs
married to are taking my ceramics class. I
think he likes me.
TYLER
That thing?
TERRY
Yes, you know, her.
Nicole whatÕs-her- face.
TYLER
That is a gorgeous way to refer to a fellow human
being. I donÕt like vampire
movies.
ANDREW
Me neither.
PETER
Why not, Tyler?
TYLER
I donÕt get them.
I tried reading Anne Rice once. I
thought it was disgusting and trashy.
PETER
Trashy?
TYLER
Oh, yeah. There
are three writers you should stop reading after high school.
Anne Rice, Ayn Rand and Herman Hesse.
PETER
IÕve read all of Anne Rice. And Ayn Rand and Herman Hesse.
WhatÕs wrong with them?
TERRY
Really, Tyler. WhatÕs
wrong with them?
TYLER
Nothing, really. I
mean theyÕre appropriate to a certain time in life, for that extreme
self-indulgence in late adolescence. Anyone
who doesnÕt get past it, doesnÕt get over, well, self-indulgence.
TERRY
What are you talking about?
ANDREW
HeÕs right. Ayn
Rand was a capitalist who saw altruism as a weakness.
TYLER
And Hesse was some puerile mystic.
TERRY
Why donÕt we just order a pizza and watch the fucking
movie.
Blackout. Lights
come up as the video is ending. Peter
shuts it off, then leaps on Tyler and bites his neck.
Peter mimes biting his own wrist and pouring blood into TylerÕs mouth.
TYLER
What are you doing?
PETER
Turning you into a vampire.
TYLER
Oh, please.
PETER
Come on, Tyler. Which
one did you identify with, Louis or Lestat?
TYLER
I donÕt identify with either of them.
ANDREW
What a piece of shit.
That was no movie.
TERRY
Then what was it?
ANDREW
A series of oil paintings.
TYLER
I found it sickening.
PETER
Sickening?
TYLER
ItÕs an evil movie.
A sympathetic portrayal of vampires?
TheyÕre predators. They see
themselves as superior and the rest of us as food.
TERRY
Tyler, itÕs just a movie. A sexy, Hollywood movie.
TYLER
There wasnÕt a sexy thing about it.
PETER
ItÕs an exploration of the shadow, Tyler.
You have to know the dark side and incorporate it. Otherwise it can
overwhelm you.
TYLER
I donÕt need to explore the dark side.
I live in Los Angeles.
TERRY
Tyler, as usual, you are a little too vehement in your
opinions. I suppose we should go
home and let you two fuck. Unless
you donÕt want us too.
ANDREW
Terry...
TERRY
Andrew and I were wondering...just what do you men look
like when youÕre doing it?
ANDREW
LetÕs go, Terry.
TERRY
WeÕve been wondering if you might be interested in
sharing with us, in having a little four-way.
ANDREW
No, Terry. YouÕve
been wondering.
TERRY
YouÕre not even interested in a two-way, Andrew.
ThatÕs what you get when you marry someone older, a pee-pee that just
lies there like lox on a bagel.
ANDREW
Oh really. How
about when we get out to the car, I stuff your bagel with so much cream cheese
you wonÕt be able to sit down for a week.
Terry happily imagines the scenario.
TERRY
Oh no...not that.
We gotta go! Bye-eee!
Andrew pushes Terry off stage.
Peter looks at Tyler.
PETER
I get scared of how strong your reaction is to that
movie.
TYLER
I get scared by your attraction to that kind of
material.
PETER
Why?
TYLER
Peter, Interview With the Vampire is no prescription
for a relationship. IÕm starting
to see some parallels between that movie and us.
PETER
Like what?
TYLER
This feeling of being dragged down into your darkness,
of being your companion on some subterranean journey.
PETER
This is who I am, Tyler.
TYLER
But why be so morose?
YouÕre the only person I know who drives around Los Angeles listening to
MozartÕs Requiem. Just what are
you mourning?
PETER
DonÕt start, Tyler.
TYLER
Start what?
PETER
Dramatizing.
TYLER
IÕm not dramatizing.
PETER
Yes, you are. All
right...I have to put up some boundaries.
Peter mimes a box.
TYLER
What?
PETER
Boundaries. When
I was with Tim, I let myself get dragged into all his dramas.
TYLER
IÕm not Tim, and IÕm only trying to discuss
something.
PETER
Tyler, I donÕt want to be arguing so close to your
birthday. Okay?
Peter goes to hug him.
TYLER
Okay. What
are we doing?
PETER
ItÕs a surprise.
I love you so much. Help me
to feel safe.
Peter and Tyler hug.
ACT ONE, SCENE SEVENTEEN - FRENCH RESTAURANT
Tyler and Peter arrive wearing jackets at the same
French restaurant.
PETER (CONTÕD)
I thought youÕd want to come here...the restaurant
where it all began.
TYLER
Yeah, itÕs fine...itÕs just...
PETER
You donÕt like being 40.
TYLER
I donÕt mind. I
knew enough men whoÕd have given anything to reach 40.
PETER
You donÕt like your jacket.
TYLER
No, itÕs beautiful.
ItÕs just...I was really looking forward to this evening, but when I
walked into your place, you had that look.
PETER
What look?
TYLER
You know what IÕm talking about.
I can tell by how you kiss me. When
youÕre happy to see me, I get a full on tongue-suck.
When you arenÕt, I get a dry peck on the lips.
The waiter arrives and makes a face at the word Ôtongue-suck.Õ
He decides heÕll come back.
PETER
Last night, I had a dream.
TYLER
Oh, another dream.
PETER
I was riding my bicycle when this truck came by and hit
me. I was sprawled and bleeding on
the sidewalk when the truck driver stepped out -- it was you.
Later, you sold my corpse to Oscar Meyer and they made Vienna sausages
out of me. Then you inserted them
into the rectums of the San Diego Padres (Chicago Cubs etc.).
IÕm not ready for this.
The waiter returns.
He hears the word rectums, grimacing as he leaves again.
TYLER
Ready for what?
PETER
This relationship.
TYLER
Why not?
PETER
IÕm scared.
TYLER
Of me? You
think IÕm going to hit you?
PETER
No, youÕre very sweet. This is just who I am.
TYLER
Who you are?
PETER
I have fear issues.
IÕm afraid.
TYLER
Of what?
PETER
Of intimacy. Of
losing myself. I did it when I fell
in love with Tim. My mother didnÕt
get what she wanted from my father, so she turned me into her pseudo-husband.
On Saturdays, she made me take cha cha lessons with her and then we had
to perform in front of her bridge club...one, two, cha cha cha!
It was so humiliating! Sometimes
she made me give her fashion advice! ÒPeter,
should I wear this belted?Ó It was
like emotional rape. I had no
choice but to become her appendage. When
I didnÕt comply with her, she shut me out. The reason I listen to MozartÕs
Requiem is because I am in mourning.
TYLER
Mourning for who?
PETER
My lost inner child.
You donÕt know, Tyler. I
might seem like someone with a strong identity, but I have had to work at it.
TYLER
Peter, youÕre different than me.
I wouldnÕt have it any other way.
PETER
But that scares me.
TYLER
What does?
PETER
That youÕre so accepting. You love me unconditionally.
TYLER
This is starting to make me crazy.
If I was trying to change you, youÕd be scared.
That I accept you for who you are makes you scared.
YouÕve told me you missed the perfect mirror of your motherÕs eyes, now
youÕre saying she smothered you into oblivion.
PETER
I know. My
wound is a horrible paradox.
TYLER
Are you associating me with your mother?
PETER
I canÕt help it.
TYLER
This is all just facsinating.
I used to be KyleÕs father, now IÕm your mother.
Tell me something. Does your
mother play first base? Has she
read all of Edith Wharton? Does she
like Ingmar Bergman, Nepalese tanka paintings and Joni Mitchell?
PETER
Of course not.
TYLER
Does your mother have a nice juicy dick?
The waiter comes back at the words Òjuicy dickÓ and
freezes. He stares at Tyler, then
Peter, before backing away.
PETER
DonÕt be crude.
TYLER
How can you associate me with her?
PETER
I canÕt help it.
TYLER
Yes, you can. LetÕs
resolve this now. Are you more
afraid of losing me or in being with me?
PETER
In being with you.
Definitely.
TYLER
You know, I get the feeling youÕre trying to hurt me.
PETER
IÕm not, Tyler. Should
we get some champagne?
TYLER
Get anything you want, because I am leaving.
PETER
Tyler, itÕs your birthday.
TYLER
It doesnÕt seem like my birthday.
Birthdays are supposed to be celebrated, and strangely, my idea of
celebrating is not concentrating on your neuroses.
Tyler leaves the jacket, readies to walk.
PETER
Tyler, wait...I got tickets for...
TYLER
Tell me how it was.
About a year or so from now.
PETER
You forgot your jacket.
TYLER
I donÕt want it.
I donÕt want anything youÕre clearly so reluctant to give.
ACT ONE, SCENE EIGHTEEN - TYLERÕS APARTMENT
Tyler frets on the couch when someone knocks at the
door.
KYLE
Happy Birthday, Tyler.
TYLER
Kyle!
Tyler unwraps a present from Kyle.
TYLER (CONTÕD)
A Swiss knife.
KYLE
DidnÕt you say you and Peter go on camping trips?
TYLER
Yeah, we do. This
is so sweet of you.
KYLE
ItÕs just a little something.
TYLER
No, itÕs a big something.
How the fuck are you?
KYLE
Oh, all right. What
am I saying? IÕm sad and lonely
and sometimes I canÕt get out of bed in the morning.
TYLER
Oh...
KYLE
I hurt you, Tyler.
IÕm really sorry.
TYLER
IÕm sorry, too. Listen,
I hate to see you so sad. You want
to go to a movie or something? Some
funny movie?
KYLE
Yeah, thatÕd be good.
I miss you, boy.
TYLER
I miss you too. Tell
me the truth. For the most part,
werenÕt you happy with me?
KYLE
Of course I was.
TYLER
So...whyÕd you leave me?
KYLE
I didnÕt leave you.
I ran away from home. When
you get back, you expect Dad to be there. You
were my hero, Tyler. I wanted you
to save me and that was wrong.
TYLER
And you werenÕt always fucking around on me?
KYLE
Not for ten, well, nine whole years.
You could always tell when I was.
TYLER
Were you ever afraid of me?
KYLE
Well...you have a temper.
TYLER
No, I mean, did you ever get too close to me then feel
like you were losing yourself?
KYLE
Of course not. But
I didnÕt feel like I could always be myself.
You always freaked anytime I got my nipple pierced or a new piece of
leather.
TYLER
Kyle, I didnÕt care what you wore.
ItÕs just that anytime you got something like a nipple ring, you had to
find someone else who had one. Then
you had to go home with him and drop your pants to see what else you had in
common.
KYLE
Maybe. I
had a hard time being faithful.
TYLER
Then we shouldnÕt have been together.
KYLE
Tyler, IÕm glad we were. Everyone used to envy us.
And they should have.
Tyler is warmed, pauses.
TYLER
Hey, howÕs that English boyfriend of yours?
KYLE
Okay. I
miss him.
TYLER
Does he have bad teeth and a pasty complexion?
KYLE
No! He
goes to a tanning booth.
TYLER
You tell him to come visit you or IÕm gonna fly over
there and beat him up.
KYLE
Tyler...
TYLER
What?
KYLE
Come here.
Kyle hugs Tyler, kisses him.
KYLE (CONTÕD)
I should go.
TYLER
Uh, yeah...
The two walk away, then turn and look at each other.
They run, hug and kiss passionately when Tyler pushes Kyle away.
TYLER (CONTÕD)
Kyle, no!
BLACK OUT
ACT TWO
ACT TWO, SCENE ONE - DR. BANYONÕS OFFICE
Tyler faces Dr. Banyon.
TYLER (CONTÕD)
This is the stupidest mistake I ever made.
I shouldnÕt have gotten involved so soon.
DR. BANYON
Perhaps. But
you may have been lucky and found someone with whom you have a genuine
compatibility.
TYLER
But Peter is fucking impossible.
One weekend heÕs giving me the worldÕs greatest blowjobs and sleeps
wrapped around me all night. He
asks leading questions about whether I like Spanish Mission furniture and cocker
spaniels. The next day I call him and he sounds like some guy at the
bank who regrets having to turn down my loan application.
DR. BANYON
This is a fairly typical pattern.
TYLER
It is?
DR. BANYON
Certainly. As
Peter becomes more intimate with you, the extremes between intimacy and
separation are more polarized. My
suspicions are that Peter is like a lot of gay men, who as children, were
smothered by devouring mothers whose own desires went unmet by their husbands.
These mothers prey on their gay sons, knowing they can mirror them, and
turn them into false husbands. The
end result is an emotional rape, an obliteration of self.
TYLER
That is exactly what he told me.
DR. BANYON
Well, that is a very scary place for Peter to have come
from. He was merged with his
mother, and by merging, I mean something very negative.
PeterÕs fear is an indication of how much he loves you.
TYLER
It feels like rejection.
DR. BANYON
ItÕs important for us to discover why you feel that
way. My suspicion is that one or
both of your parents rejected you, and with Peter, youÕre trying to resolve
that issue.
TYLER
Oh. I read
that book.
Dr. Banyon swells with anticipation.
TYLER (CONTÕD)
The Parents Within Your Partner.
DR. BANYON
ItÕs something IÕve written about in my own book, Men
in Love With Men.
Tyler blinks. An
awkward pause.
TYLER
You know, I just remembered where I met you.
You used to live in New York.
DR. BANYON
Yes, I did.
TYLER
You used to dated my room mate, Lyndon Steinmetz.
I remember you had just published Men In Love With Men.
This does not make Banyon comfortable.
DR. BANYON
Oh really, I donÕt remember a Lyndon.
Tell me, which parent does Peter remind you of?
TYLER
My father. He
has dark (light) hair like him. And
my father is a loner, like Peter. Socially
awkward, aloof.
DR. BANYON
And what was your relationship with your father like?
TYLER
He used to whip me with his belt.
Left bruises all over me. IÕd
watch them turn from black and blue to a sickly yellow.
For years I had so much anger. He
abused me or ignored me. I made the
decision to father myself -- one of the best decisions I ever made.
DR. BANYON
And youÕve done a good job. Too good of a job. ThatÕs
why men like Peter and Kyle sniff you out.
They want to annex your strength. Both
you and Peter are working out your parent issues, which is what a relationship
is about. ItÕs not about being
happy.
TYLER
It isnÕt?
DR. BANYON
Of course not.
TYLER
I was happy with Kyle.
DR. BANYON
If youÕre entertaining ideas about running back to
Kyle, youÕre running away from the real challenge. Peter is playing out his pathology, and youÕre playing out
yours.
TYLER
My pathology?
DR. BANYON
Yes. YouÕre
trying to merge with him and that makes you equally pathological.
TYLER
Should I break up with him?
DR. BANYON
Let me suggest that if you do, you will repeat the same
pattern with someone else. When
Peter tells you heÕs afraid, heÕs being as intimate as he possibly can.
TYLER
What am I supposed to do?
DR. BANYON
Acknowledge his fear.
Let him know you wonÕt run away.
TYLER
I told him I was scared once.
DR. BANYON
How did he respond?
TYLER
He hugged me and said, ÒItÕs all right to be scared.Ó
DR. BANYON
That might be what heÕd like to hear from you.
Banyon rolls off in his chair.
The Clack boy thrusts a mirror and the journal into TylerÕs hands.
TYLER
Dear journal. All
these years IÕve seen myself as one of the stable gay men who could make a
relationship work, who could commit and love deeply.
Dr.Banyon views me as pathological and devouring, out to dissolve the
personalities of my lovers in my neediness.
If anything, since therapy, IÕve dissolved myself in Peter in an attempt
to understand his identity crisis. Who
are we?
ACT TWO, SCENE TWO - CHRISTMAS TREE LOT
Tyler and Peter shop for a tree.
TYLER (CONTÕD)
I finally figured out where I met my shrink.
PETER
Where?
TYLER
He dated one of my room mates in New York.
He always seemed so frightened. ThatÕs
probably why he understands your fear, Peter.
I just feed him a few lines and he fills in the rest.
PETER
IÕm sure IÕm not the first person heÕs
heard of who had fear issues.
TYLER
Do you see a tree you like?
PETER
That Douglas Fir is nice. I need to tell you though...this scares me.
TYLER
What does?
PETER
Getting a Christmas tree. You know...itÕs an intimate thing that couples do.
TYLER
Peter -- itÕs all right to be scared.
Peter throws himself into TylerÕs arms, then breaks
away.
PETER
Thank you.
Peter hugs Tyler a second time.
TYLER
IÕve almost been looking forward to this moment.
I really wanted to say that.
PETER
Did I tell you I ended my therapy?
TYLER
No. Your psychological therapy?
PETER
Yes.
TYLER
Why?
PETER
I was ready to do it.
IÕm going to miss Samantha. I
fought for years to get what I wanted from her.
TYLER
What was that?
PETER
I donÕt know. That
unnameable it.
TYLER
Unnameable it? Why
canÕt you put a name to it?
PETER
Because I donÕt know what it is, except that I couldnÕt
get it from her. ItÕs that same
thing I canÕt always get from you.
TYLER
Christ. My
heart is pounding.
PETER
WhatÕs the matter?
TYLER
I liked when you were in therapy.
You were good for at a least a couple of days after seeing her.
PETER
Good?
TYLER
Unafraid. Able
to relate to me.
PETER
ItÕs okay, Tyler.
IÕm ready to do this.
TYLER
I canÕt breathe.
PETER
Are you scared?
TYLER
Yes.
PETER
Come here. ItÕs
all right to be scared.
Tyler and Peter hug.
ACT TWO, SCENE THREE - AN ITALIAN RESTAURANT
A romantic dinner.
Peter gives a present to Tyler.
PETER (CONTÕD)
HereÕs mine. Happy
ValentineÕs Day.
Tyler pulls a Hawaiian shirt from a gift bag.
TYLER
A Hawaiian shirt?
PETER
To wear in Hawaii.
We talked about going. Your
vacationÕs coming up, isnÕt it?
TYLER
Yeah, in June. Hawaii?
PETER
IÕd like us to go, Tyler. If you want to.
TYLER
I do. IÕve
always wanted to surf. HereÕs
mine.
Tyler hands Peter a small box.
He looks inside and gulps.
PETER
ItÕs a ring.
TYLER
ItÕs a clannagh ring.
From Ireland. It means,
well, it could mean friendship. It
could mean an engagement. It means
whatever the giver wants it to mean.
PETER
WhatÕs it mean to you?
TYLER
It means I love you.
I think whatever apprehensions weÕve had about each other have
disappeared. IÕve been so happy
with you lately, I know that sometime in the future, IÕd like to live with you.
PeterÕs face falls.
He freaks.
TYLER (CONTÕD)
Uh oh.
PETER
ItÕs too small, Tyler.
TYLER
You havenÕt even tried it on.
WhatÕs wrong?
PETER
IÕm scared.
TYLER
Oh. ItÕs
all right to be scared. Why are you
scared?
PETER
You just asked me to move in.
TYLER
No, I didnÕt. I
told you that sometime in the future IÕd like to live with you.
PETER
Oh, God, IÕm really frightened!
TYLER
IÕm not talking about next weekend.
PETER
I canÕt wear an engagement ring.
TYLER
ItÕs not an engagement ring.
PETER
Then what is it? Tyler, I love you, but I donÕt think I can get what I want
from you.
TYLER
What else do you want from me?
PETER
I donÕt know, that unnameable it.
I canÕt take an engagement ring.
TYLER
It is not an engagement ring.
PETER
Then what does it symbolize?
TYLER
It means whatever you want. If you want it can symbolize this pathetic, fucked up
relationship. Check please!
ACT TWO, SCENE FOUR - GOLDÕS GYM LOCKER ROOM
Tyler arrives. Getting
dressed on the bench is TIM BREGOFF. Throughout the scene, Tim seems very interested in both Tyler
and the dressing mirror.
TIM
Oh, sorry. Let
me give you some room here. Tyler?
TYLER
Yeah?
TIM
Tim Bregoff. Dr.
Bregoff now.
TYLER
Right, Tim. Tim!
DidnÕt know you worked out here. Uh,
nice belt.
TIM
Thank you. I
just bought it.
TYLER
That must make thirty one.
TIM
What?
TYLER
Nothing. HavenÕt
seen you at any of AndrewÕs parties in a while.
TIM
No. Had to
get away. I moved to San Francisco
to get my doctorate. You must have
heard.
TYLER
Heard what?
TIM
I called it quits with Peter.
Almost two years ago.
TYLER
You broke up with him?
TIM
Yes. I had
to leave.
TYLER
Oh. I
guess you didnÕt hear about ... about me and ...
TIM
You and Kyle?
TYLER
Uh, yeah...I broke up with Kyle.
TIM
IÕm so sorry.
TYLER
So you broke up with Peter -- not the other way around.
TIM
Oh yes. I
had to be decisive. He wanted a
permanent state of not being committed. I
had to start looking after myself -- it was just too draining.
I shouldnÕt divulge too much, but he has this intimacy conflict.
He runs from it, but he wants to be caught, only to run again. I canÕt even be in the same room with him.
He baits the hook, reels me in, then throws me back.
I was starting to feel like a trout or something, one too small too keep.
TYLER
That must have been real crazy making.
TIM
You have no idea.
TYLER
Actually, I think I do.
TIM
IÕll tell you, Tyler, it was a very liberating step
for me to owe up to my codependency.
TYLER
Codependency. I
keep hearing this word, and IÕm still not sure what it means.
TIM
Oh, itÕs a catch all phrase thatÕs often abused, but
itÕs generally described in my profession as sticking it out with someone who
is addicted to a substance or a self-defeating behavior.
I went to a few CODA meetings, read the literature.
TYLER
CODA?
TIM
Codependents Anonymous. To thine own self be true.
Right from the beginning I suspected Peter had a narcissistic personality
disorder.
TYLER
A what?
TIM
N - P - D. Never
date a narcissist -- theyÕre predators, Tyler, sadists.
You know youÕre dating one when he has a lot of mirrors.
Problem is, theyÕre like vampires...they have no real reflection.
They keep staring in the looking glass, hoping someday to see themselves.
One gets so tired of being the parent in a relationship all the time.
Peter battled me to control him, and for so long I indulged him.
My poor, poor gingerbread boy, running away from his mother, yet dying to
be caught and devoured. He was such a mess when I met him. DidnÕt know how to walk, talk or dress, how to order in a
restaurant or talk about wine.
TYLER
Oh? How do
you talk about wine?
TIM
Well, if you know nothing about it, talk about it like
itÕs a person. A white wine is
always winsome. And speaking of
belts, you should have seen the ratty thing he was wearing. He was such an aesthetic when I met him -- owned about three
pieces of furniture.
TYLER
Ascetic.
TIM
ThatÕs what I said.
TYLER
No. You
said aesthetic.
TIM
Whatever. IÕve
often wondered who heÕs torturing now. God,
itÕs so hot in this locker room. IÕm
canceling my membership if they canÕt do something about it.
And this carpet! Look at what a shabby gym this is becoming.
Damn it, I lost a button. You
pay four hundred dollars for a shirt and the buttons just fly off?
Maybe itÕs the fault of the dry cleaners, those schmucks.
They never get things quite clean, and for what they charge?
Do you know a good dry cleaner?
TYLER
No. I donÕt.
TIM
Well, IÕm off to pick up my new car.
TYLER
Oh yeah?
TIM
Yes. Traded
in the Beamer for a Lexus. ItÕs in the shop right now. ItÕs got this rattle in the engine they canÕt seem to fix.
They pretend they canÕt even hear it.
Tyler, I was wondering...
TYLER
Yeah?
TIM
IÕve always thought you were a very attractive man.
Would you like to have dinner sometime?
TYLER
IÕm flattered, really, but IÕm kind of seeing someone
right now.
TIM
Take my card if it doesnÕt work out.
Of course, I...I hope it does.
TYLER
I hope so too. Uh,
donÕt take this the wrong way, but ... can I hug you?
TIM
Here? Why?
TYLER
I canÕt explain it, but I want you to know you arenÕt
alone. What happened with you and
Peter, I completely understand, you poor baby.
Tyler and Tim hug.
TimÕs hand lowers to TylerÕs butt before they break away.
ACT TWO, SCENE FIVE - A CHURCH MEETING ROOM
Tyler sits at a CODA meeting with RICK, BOB and SANDY
RICK
IÕm Rick, and IÕm codependent.
CHORUS
Hi Rick.
RICK
My ex-lover broke into my apartment again.
I walked in on him, going through my drawers and looking for money.
I asked him to leave. He
gave me a black eye and then he raped me. Twice
... the second time after I made him breakfast.
SANDY
IÕm Sandy, codependent.
CHORUS
Hi Sandy.
SANDY
IÕve been seeing this woman. SheÕs beautiful, inside and out.
Unlike my last lover, she doesnÕt drink or do drugs.
She has a good job, she cheers me at my softball games.
SheÕs always there for me and puts up with my shit.
I keep wanting to break up with her -- IÕm so bored.
BOB
IÕm Bob and IÕm codependent.
CHORUS
Hi Bob.
BOB
Even though IÕm broke, my boyfriend asked me to buy
him a truck for his birthday, which I did.
The next day he loads up all my stuff and drives off.
IÕm starting to think heÕs not coming back.
TYLER
IÕm Tyler. I
think IÕm codependent.
CHORUS
Hi Tyler.
TYLER
I lived with a man for thirteen years who was cross
addicted. Now IÕm with a guy who
has me on a yo-yo. He pushes me
away, pulls me back, then tells me itÕs coming to an end.
He says he loses his identity when weÕre together.
IÕm codependent to a codependent.
CHORUS
(as if to express ÒthatÕs a new oneÓ)
Ohhhhhh....
ACT TWO, SCENE SIX - DR. BANYONÕS OFFICE
DR. BANYON
Tyler, youÕre not codependent.
CODA meetings are for people who are really damaged.
PeterÕs gotten too close and needs to break away.
TYLER
No. We
havenÕt been close at all.
DR. BANYON
Intimacy is not just an ooey-gooey, lovey-dovey
experience. People can feel very
close when theyÕre fighting.
TYLER
WhatÕs in that for me? This fucking Òfear thingÓ is his way of controlling me.
Every logical part of me says heÕs too self-absorbed, too judgemental,
too fucked up.
Banyon gets angry.
Tyler has somehow stung him.
DR. BANYON
Let me suggest that whatever you are accusing Peter of
is true about yourself.
TYLER
What?
DR. BANYON
YouÕre the one whoÕs running from intimacy.
YouÕre the one whoÕs a narcissist.
TYLER
I am?
DR. BANYON
Yes. And
youÕre the one whoÕs being judgemental when you make decisions about him being
too fucked up.
TYLER
Alan, I canÕt be with someone who wants me to hunt him
down.
DR. BANYON
You shouldnÕt love Peter to get love back.
You donÕt love chocolate because it loves you, you love it because it
tastes good. Peter is retreating
because youÕre trying to merge with him.
TYLER
Why donÕt you accuse Peter of merging with me?
My mother encouraged my independence.
DR. BANYON
Tyler, you may be so enmeshed with your mother you donÕt
even know it, especially if your father rejected you.
See what happens when you separate from Peter, whatÕs called Òsetting
down boundariesÓ. Just remember, Peter isnÕt battling you...
TYLER & DR. BANYON
...heÕs battling his mother.
ACT TWO, SCENE SEVEN - TYLERÕS APARTMENT
Tyler finishes dressing, is happily whistling.
Peter enters.
TYLER
Hey, buddy. IÕll
be right with you. Andrew and Terry
are running late and are going to meet us at the theater.
How are you?
PETER
Not good.
TYLER
Feeling scared?
PETER
Yeah. And
depressed about our relationship.
TYLER
Well, IÕm in a good mood myself.
PETER
You are?
TYLER
Yep. LifeÕs
too short to be dragged down by doubts and depression all the time.
IÕm sorry youÕre not feeling well, but you know what, Peter, itÕs
okay.
PETER
It is?
TYLER
I know that whatever youÕre feeling has nothing to do
with the real me, itÕs got to do with your mother complex.
Right?
PETER
Yeah...I noticed youÕve been distant lately.
YouÕve learned to put up boundaries.
TYLER
Yeah, and I hate doing it. ItÕs like a game.
PETER
It is a game. And
I canÕt help but play it.
TYLER
Well, you can if you wanted to.
You have a choice between...uh oh. There
I go, trying to fix you and thatÕs not my job.
Peter does not like this development.
PETER
You want me to drive?
TYLER
No, you donÕt have to go.
PETER
No, I want to go.
TYLER
You said you were scared.
PETER
Yeah, but...
TYLER
IÕd rather you didnÕt go if you arenÕt going to be
any fun. IÕm disappointed, but as
we say in CODA meetings, IÕm responsible for my own good time. Any time you feel like youÕre losing your identity, you just
let me know, okay?
PETER
Okay.
TYLER
I love you.
PETER
Oh, Tyler, I love you too.
Peter goes to hug and kiss Tyler when Tyler blocks him
from getting closer.
TYLER
Okay, bye-bye now.
Taking a final look at Tyler, Peter looks like a cobra
ready to strike.
PETER
In the next few weeks, weÕre going to see just how
codependent you are.
ACT TWO, SCENE EIGHT - TYLERÕS APARTMENT
Tyler and Kyle play scrabble.
TYLER
Parbreak. ThatÕs
17 plus double word score. 34.
KYLE
What does parbreak mean?
TYLER
To throw up.
KYLE
To throw up?
TYLER
Yeah. To
vomit.
KYLE
Fine. IÕll
use the ÔkÕ to spell kamitus.
TYLER
What does kamitus mean?
KYLE
It means having shapely buttocks.
TYLER
Gimme that dictionary.
The phone rings.
TYLER (CONTÕD)
Hey, Peter. HowÕve
you been?
(a pause)
Well, IÕm sorry youÕre scared.
No, nothingÕs wrong. ItÕs
been your turn to call, and when you didnÕt, I just figured you needed some
separation.
(pause)
IÕm playing a little Scrabble with Kyle.
Beating the pants off him. No,
his pants arenÕt literally off. Okay.
Okay. GÕnight.
Tyler hangs up.
KYLE
Is everything okay between you guys?
TYLER
He wonÕt say it, but heÕs jealous youÕre over here.
IÕm sick of the fact that all we ever do any more is work on our
relationship. WeÕre talking about
seeing DÕAgostino.
KYLE
Oh...really.
TYLER
What do you mean, ÒreallyÓ.
KYLE
Nothing. ItÕs
just that DÕAgostino works out at the Sporting Club and...
TYLER
DÕAgostino works out at that sleazy gym? Okay.
Just because he works out there doesnÕt mean he fools around.
KYLE
Yes, he does.
TYLER
You saw him?
KYLE
I uh...I felt him.
TYLER
Well that is just fan-fucking-tastic.
Does he have a nice dick? I
heard his butt is kamitus.
KYLE
How often do you and Peter see each other?
TYLER
Less and less. Usually
just weekends.
KYLE
And you donÕt talk everyday?
TYLER
Not lately. By
distancing myself, IÕm attempting to ignite his latent self-parenting
instincts.
KYLE
I think I follow.
HowÕs it working?
TYLER
ItÕs not. HeÕs
indulging in passive-aggressive retribution.
Mostly he gets depressed.
KYLE
Why are you so attracted to him?
TYLER
I think because I never really mourned the end of my
relationship with you, IÕve unconsciously sought out my own disowned
depression.
KYLE
Tyler, can I tell you something?
Ever since youÕve been seeing this guy, youÕre whole conversation is
loaded with so much fucking psycho-babble, I want to parbreak.
TYLER
Oh, sorry. I
know.
Tyler is handed books by the Clack Boy.
TYLER (CONTÕD)
Since IÕve been seeing Peter, weÕre attempting to get
Beyond Codependency, trying to Heal the Shame That Binds Us, and learning the
Dances of Intimacy, Anger and Deception so we can Let Go of Our Fear to Get the
Love We Want. IÕll tell you
whatÕs codependent is me reading all this shit to try and figure him out.
KYLE
You arenÕt happy with him.
TYLER
IÕm not. I
want to scream at him, tell him IÕm getting out, tell him heÕs a sadist who
treats me like shit.
KYLE
Why donÕt you?
TYLER
IÕm going with my shrinkÕs advice.
In the meantime, IÕve been broadening all my friendships. I
... I started playing ball again. And
itÕs nice spending time with you, Kyle, I...
KYLE
When did you stop playing ball?
TYLER
When I met Peter.
He lead me to believe it was declasseÕ.
KYLE
Is his family rich?
TYLER
No. YouÕd
think he was from some family who sent him to private school, but his parents
are wrong-side-of-the-tracks types. At
Christmas, they send him beef logs and processed cheese from Hickory Farms.
KYLE
What are you so pissed about?
TYLER
I was happy with him.
Now I have to find my own good time when he takes exits.
KYLE
IÕm gonna parbreak...
TYLER
Sorry.
KYLE
Tyler, when are you going to look after yourself?
TYLER
What?
KYLE
When are you going to stop taking in strays?
How many dogs and cats did you rescue while we lived together?
Why did you stop writing to feed people with AIDS?
When youÕve got debts, why do you send money to some child in Bangla
Desh?
ACT TWO, SCENE NINE
Tyler and Peter wait to check their luggage wearing
identical Hawaiian shirts.
PETER
Sometimes I just feel dead in this relationship.
KYLE
Dead.
PETER
Yeah. Like
we just donÕt connect. Other times
I get overwhelmed by fantasies about other men.
I have to admit something. I
met this man at a junket last week and ever since, I havenÕt been able to get
him out of my mind. I feel like heÕs
someone I wouldnÕt feel scared around.
PUBLIC ADDRESS SYSTEM
Abandonment issues...abandonment issues...
TYLER
I feel like youÕre trying to bait me.
PETER
And I feel like youÕre undefined, that you arenÕt as
strong as IÕd hoped.
TYLER
I feel that youÕre coming unhinged, in hopes that IÕll
take control of you. As soon as I
do, youÕll hate me for being controlling.
I feel...
A VOICE from off stage shouts ÒNextÓ.
Tyler slumps, looks completely drained, defeated.
TYLER (CONTÕD)
What kind of conversation is this to be having before a
vacation? I
canÕt do this anymore.
PETER
What?
TYLER
This daily bullshit with you.
You donÕt want a warm, peaceful bond, do you?
You want the excitement of tearing apart and coming back together.
ThatÕs what the rules of this game are -- thatÕs what the unnameable ÒitÓ
is, right?
A pause.
TYLER (CONTÕD)
IÕm asking you a question.
PETER
Um...sort of.
TYLER
Christ all mighty, why didnÕt I see it until now?
YouÕre a god damned drama queen!
PETER
Like you donÕt love drama?
TYLER
I like comedy. Endings
where everyone gets married. Happily
ever after. Happy, happy, happy.
ThatÕs what I believe in.
PETER
Life is pain, Tyler.
TYLER
It doesnÕt have to be, Peter...itÕs...
Tyler lets out a sigh as big as a hurricane.
TYLER (CONTÕD)
IÕm giving you your ticket. IÕm going to see if I can get a refund on mine.
PETER
Why?
TYLER
IÕm not going. IÕm
sorry if this triggers your abandonment issues, but youÕve been exploiting mine
for the last year. Until you get
over this ... this neurotic addiction to pain, you are not going to be ready for
a relationship.
PETER
(stunned)
Neurotic addiction to ...
TYLER
I want to do this in the nicest way possible.
PETER
So do I. When
I get back, we need to exchange a few things.
YouÕve got some of my clothes. IÕve
got your waffle iron and your keys.
TYLER
Funny how I never had your keys.
PETER
Tyler, part of it is that we donÕt see eye to eye
spiritually. You donÕt believe in
God, so you place all your demands on human beings.
I am really sorry to do this.
TYLER
Do what?
PETER
Break up with you.
TYLER
YouÕre not breaking up with me.
IÕm breaking up with you.
PETER
Tyler, IÕve been talking about it for some time.
TYLER
You donÕt want to look like you got dumped again.
PETER
DonÕt be mean spirited. WeÕll get together when I get back and put some closure on
this.
TYLER
This is closure. Just
send me my stuff.
PETER
Your waffle iron?
ThatÕs pretty bulky.
TYLER
ThatÕs your problem, isnÕt it?
Tyler tries to walk away when Peter calls him back.
PETER
Tyler, let me just say that through out this whole
thing, youÕve been great.
Tyler turns.
PETER (CONTÕD)
I learned so much about myself, really.
I see this as a very successful experiment.
TYLER
An experiment? Through
out this whole thing IÕve been great? I mean, ÒgreatÓ is what you tell someone whoÕs just been
in a play.
PETER
I know IÕm not the easiest person to be in love with,
but you have to see your part in it. I
knew when IÕd met you that IÕd found a door mat.
TYLER
A door mat.
PETER
You play the victim, Tyler.
TYLER
The victim.
PETER
Yes. If I
didnÕt exploit you, somebody else would have.
TYLER
So you were just giving me what you think I asked for.
Peter shrugs.
TYLER (CONTÕD)
ItÕs strange, Peter.
IÕve never felt as close to you as I do now. IÕm scared! One
more homosexual hurtling off into middle age on his own.
PETER
I knew thatÕs how you felt underneath all your
strength. And that neediness always
scared me. Who knows, Tyler.
Maybe when you get a handle on that, we might have a future.
TYLER
No. No
future.
PETER
Then fuck you!
Tyler exits. Peter
waits for him to go, then his facade gives way to sobbing.
ACT TWO, SCENE TEN - DR. BANYONÕS OFFICE
Tyler is waiting for Dr. Banyon when he arrives, sweaty
and angry looking.
DR. BANYON
Sorry IÕm late, Tyler, but sometimes psychologists
have their own fights with lovers.
TYLER
Oh. IÕm
sorry. How long have you and
Gilbert lived together?
DR. BANYON
We donÕt live together. IÕve never been interested in that.
A pause.
TYLER
Oh really. Is
Gilbert interested in that?
DR. BANYON
Oh, heÕll tell you he is, but he fell in love with
someone who isnÕt.
TYLER
Does your lack of interest in living with someone
reflect an inability to truly be intimate?
DR. BANYON
No, Tyler. The
desire to live with someone can be just as pathological as the desire to live
alone. Gilbert and I have loved
each other for sixteen years. For
four of those years we didnÕt talk at all, but the love never died.
ThatÕs why you can be hopeful that things could work out with Peter.
TYLER
You didnÕt talk for four years?
Banyon leaves his chair to pace.
DR. BANYON
We needed that time apart to grow, okay?
Some of our conflicts are similar to yours and Peters. When Gilbert
rebuffs me sexually, I have to remember that heÕs really rebuffing his daddy.
And what I feel has more to do with the rejections of my own father.
TYLER
Interesting. You
havenÕt resolved this after 16 years.
Tyler, striking one of BanyonÕs poses, sits in his rolling
chair. Banyon notices, motions
Tyler to take the clientÕs chair.
DR. BANYON
It never resolves itself.
Those issues will be played out for as long as weÕre together.
This is your session, though. ItÕs
been a week since you broke up with Peter.
How are you feeling?
Tyler pauses. HeÕs
looking at Banyon with new eyes.
TYLER
IÕm anxious. I
masturbate up to four times a day.
Banyon fantasizes for a moment.
DR. BANYON
Impressive. Who
do you think about?
TYLER
Peter. I think
about fucking him. On all fours, so
hard and fast heÕll stay fucked for the next year.
DR. BANYON
Goooooood!
TYLER
Good? Why?
DR. BANYON
Why? Uh,
because...well...because your energies arenÕt being diverted elsewhere.
You might try something that I do which is to re-enact your feelings with
what I call a drama play set. Go to
the toy store and find some action figures that look like the people you have
issues with. Those Star Wars ones
are great. You could get a Han Solo
doll and that could be you, and Peter could be Luke Skywalker.
Alan mimes having dolls, signals Tyler to follow his
example.
DR. BANYON (CONTÕD)
You pick up your Peter doll and you say, ÒPeter!Ó
Go ahead...
TYLER
Peter!
DR. BANYON
ÒPeter, IÕm gonna fuck you so hard youÕll stay fucked
for the next year.Ó See, you can
restage your dramas. Usually when I
get done with my Gilbert doll, I pick up my parent dolls. ÒMother, how dare you
overwhelm me with your own needs! DonÕt
you realize what youÕve done? And
father, why did you hate me so much? Because
I threw a baseball like a girl? Well
it just so happens that I hate the both of you!Ó
Tyler is stunned as he watches Banyon snarl and grind his
imaginary dolls together. He
catches himself, looks at Tyler.
DR. BANYON (CONTÕD)
DonÕt look at me like that.
TYLER
YouÕre encouraging me to obsess.
DR. BANYON
IÕm encouraging you to deal with your issues!
TYLER
Why are you yelling at me?
DR. BANYON
Am I yelling?
TYLER
Of course you are.
DR. BANYON
Let me ask you why youÕre angry.
TYLER
Why am I angry? I
was deceived. The man is a fucking
trap and I fell right into it.
DR. BANYON
Let me suggest that everything youÕre accusing Peter of is
true about yourself.
Tyler rises, his temper flared.
TYLER
No! You are
wrong. Peter sought me out because
where he is closed, I am open. Where he is dead, I am alive.
Where he is afraid, I am fearless. I
know that now.
A long pause. Tyler
is having a sudden insight, points at Banyon.
TYLER (CONTÕD)
You. YouÕre scared, doctor.
DR. BANYON
What?
TYLER
YouÕre scared. Of
life. Of intimacy.
You identify with Peter.
DR. BANYON
Tyler, weÕre all scared.
TYLER
Have you ever been in therapy?
DR. BANYON
Certainly.
TYLER
Have you ever been diagnosed as having a narcissistic
personality disorder?
DR. BANYON
W-what? I
reject those kinds of psychiatric classifications
They are retrograde! I am a
Jungian, an introvert!
TYLER
This is all fucking bullshit! YouÕve been railroading me to stay in a relationship with
someone whoÕs fucked up in the same way you are!
DR. BANYON
ThatÕs not true! You
guys are just as fucked up as we are for wanting to stay with us!
Tyler stares in disbelief.
TYLER
Us guys? Me
and Gilbert? One of Òus guysÓ
finally realizes youÕve had your own agenda.
Thank you, Dr. Banyon, my money was not wasted here.
Tyler pushes Banyon in his chair off the stage as he
screams.
A spotlight comes on.
As usual, the Clack Boy comes out to hand Tyler the journal and the
mirror, but the Clack Boy is dressed in a sequined evening gown.
TYLER (CONTÕD)
Excuse me ...
CLACK BOY
You canÕt talk to me.
TYLER
Why not?
CLACK BOY
Because I donÕt really exist.
TYLER
Yes, you do. I
havenÕt said anything about all your other outfits, but whatÕs with the Bob
Mackie creation?
CLACK BOY
I just felt like it.
TYLER
Well, itÕs inappropriate.
It has nothing to do with the last scene. ItÕs distracting.
CLACK BOY
From what? Oh,
sorry, I forgot. This production is
all about you, isnÕt it?
He hands Tyler the journal and the mirror as they smirk at
each other, hands on hips.
TYLER
(re: the mirror)
No, thank you, I wonÕt be needing this anymore.
CLACK BOY
Why not?
TYLER
IÕve done enough reflecting.
CLACK BOY
Oh, really.
TYLER
IÕm not in here. IÕm
out there.
CLACK BOY
Oh, youÕre out there all right.
TYLER
IÕm serious. If
your whole life is about cultivating your identity, then you start treating
people like shit -- like stepping stones in your personal evolution, instead of
as fellow humans with a mutual need for connection.
CLACK BOY
Whatever you say, Swami.
I just wanted you to reconsider that haircut.
The Clack Boy takes the mirror and leaves.
TYLER (CONTÕD)
Dear journal. Peter Moon wasnÕt who I thought I loved, so
now I mourn for my illusion of him. For
me, love is when two people do what they can for each otherÕs well being.
For Peter, love is some tacit agreement for mutual torture. Last night he
called me from a nude steaming retreat. He
pleaded with me to go with him to see his latest therapist, a neo-Gestaltist who
specializes in dream work and tantric penis massage.
It will take a while to fill this immense, aching emptiness, but no men
for at least a year ...if ever again.
ACT TWO, SCENE ELEVEN - PROJECT LOVE FOOD
Andrew and Terry are working when Tyler enters.
TYLER (CONTÕD)
I have good news!
TERRY
You met a man.
TYLER
I said I have good news.
I got a job!
ANDREW
What job?
TYLER
A re-write on a film for Universal.
ANDREW
Congratulations. WhatÕs
the project?
TYLER
ItÕs, uh...well...itÕs kind of Interview With the Vampire
meets The Joy Luck Club.
TERRY
YouÕre writing a vampire movie?
TYLER
Well, yeah...
TERRY
Ha! Wait till
the girls hear about this. One
blonde (brunette) girl in particular.
TYLER
Work is work. At
long last I can end my martyrdom in low paying social service.
IÕve realized something -- the whole world is divided into nurses and
invalids.
(to Andrew)
IÕm a nurse, youÕre a nurse.
(to Terry)
You are an invalid. For
too long, IÕve been a goddamned nurse.
TERRY
Does that mean youÕre becoming an invalid?
TYLER
No. IÕm just
nursing myself.
ANDREW
Speaking of invalids, he wants to call you.
TYLER
I donÕt know who youÕre talking about.
ANDREW
Tyler...
TYLER
No contact. I
told you.
TERRY
You still love him.
TYLER
I will always love him.
It doesnÕt mean we should be together.
Last night, I had a dream.
The lights dim and give way to a dreamscape.
TYLER (CONTÕD)
We were building the tower of Psycho-babble.
Peter from the north side, me from the south.
Our bricks were all the self-help books that had ever been written.
I had just cemented in, ÒMen Who Love Men Who CanÕt Love MenÓ when I
reached the top and heard hissing. All
thirty of Tim BregoffÕs belts were snaking up the tower.
They strapped me down on the top when Peter appeared as the Vampire
Lestat and bit into my jugular.
Upstage, Peter appears as Lestat.
TYLER (CONTÕD)
He kissed me with his blood smeared lips and said...
PETER
...YouÕre mine, Tyler.
For eternity. IÕm Lestat
and youÕre my Louis. No matter
where you go or who you sleep with, youÕll always belong to me.
TYLER
No...no! I
screamed. I donÕt love you
anymore.
PETER
Of course you do. YouÕre
obsessed with me. YouÕll even
write a play about me.
TYLER
ÒNo! No!Ó I
yelled. ÒIÕm going to be happy.Ó
Then he ripped open a vein in his arm and poured blood down my throat.
ÒYou wonÕt be,Ó he said...
PETER
...YouÕll be scared, looking at every man and finding me
there. And in that way, weÕll
never truly be alone. Together and
yet, so very alone.
Tyler shudders involuntarily.
TYLER
Then my therapists showed up.
Banyon enters behind Peter.
DR. BANYON
Tyler, let me suggest that when Peter turns you into a
vampire for all eternity, he is being as intimate as he possibly can.
DÕAgostino enters, nude.
DÕAGOSTINO
I think Peter looks sexy as a vampire.
LetÕs have a three way.
TYLER
Suddenly, a superhero came to the rescue.
He was strong and handsome - I looked at his face and realized, it was
me! Super Tyler!
I had come to rescue myself. I
hurled Lestat into the blazing light of the sun and cast the psychotherapists
down the tower. Then I picked
myself up, flew myself to CaeserÕs Palace in Las Vegas and we got into a giant
heart shaped bed. Then I made love
to myself, all night long, and I...was....great!
Lights come up.
ANDREW
IÕll bet you were. Are
you seeing anyone else besides yourself?
TYLER
Last night, I had my first date in a year.
ANDREW
How was it?
TYLER
Not great. HeÕs
this puppeteer into leather and Hummel figurines.
ANDREW & TERRY
Ewwwwwww!
TYLER
I donÕt know. This
celibacy thing is real comfortable.
TERRY
Are you telling me you donÕt need a man?
TYLER
If I canÕt be attracted to a man who isnÕt good for me
than IÕm better off on my own. The
single life is do-able.
ANDREW
If this ambrosia salad is going to be do-able, we need more
pineapple.
TYLER
IÕll go.
ACT TWO, SCENE TWELVE - TRADER JOEÕS PARKING LOT
Tyler walks to his car when he is called by ERIC, a
handsome shopper.
ERIC
Excuse me...I just had to ask you. I noticed you in the produce section. Why were you sniffing the pineapples?
Tyler takes a pineapple from his bag.
TYLER
ThatÕs how you tell if theyÕre ripe.
You sniff the bottom.
ERIC
Not the top?
TYLER
No, the bottom is always sweeter and juicier.
ERIC
Really? You
like the bottoms better?
TYLER
Well, yeah, I love the bottoms, but the top can be...oh,
God.
The two of them chuckle.
ERIC
YouÕre even cuter when you blush. WhatÕs your name?
TYLER
Tyler Sunnydale.
ERIC
Eric Schwartzman.
TYLER
Eric Schwartzman? The
psychologist? IÕve read your
books.
ERIC
The former psychologist.
TYLER
Former?
ERIC
I renounced that title when I got involved with the
anti-therapy movement.
TYLER
That sounds a little extreme. WhatÕs that about?
ERIC
Therapy is antithetical to its goals.
The therapist/patient relationship discourages autonomy.
TYLER
What about client centered therapy, like Rogers espoused?
ERIC
No. The
therapist is still in the power position. He
canÕt help but impose himself and his views on the clientÕs process.
TYLER
YouÕre right, but whatÕs the alternative?
ERIC
Twelve step programs and other support groups.
TheyÕre democratic.
TYLER
Have you read Szasz and R.D. Laing?
ERIC
The humanists? Sure,
theyÕre my heroes, if I believed in having heroes. You should read Jeffrey Masson.
Against Therapy is really interesting and ... so are you.
Are you free for dinner?
Tyler hesitates, takes a well worn list from his pocket.
TYLER
Uh, I know this is a little weird, but can I ask you ... do
you think relationships are about being happy or working through your parent
issues?
ERIC
TheyÕre about being happy.
You may have to resolve some parent issues to remain so.
TYLER
Good answer. Have
you ever been accused of being passive-aggressive or narcissistic?
ERIC
No, I donÕt believe I have.
TYLER
Do you have an unreasonable fear of intimacy?
ERIC
No.
TYLER
Do you have any chemical dependencies or obsessive
behaviors, sexual compulsion in particular?
ERIC
This is all shrink talk, but no. What about you, Tyler. Are
you...
TYLER
Yes?
ERIC
YouÕre not a...not a...
TYLER
What? Spit it
out.
ERIC
YouÕre not an actor, are you?
TYLER
No.
ERIC
So what do you say? My
place for dinner?
Tyler hesitates.
ERIC
Look, I know youÕre thinking that under this facade lies
another damaged, self-loathing asshole who wants to drag you down to his pit of
woundedness. But what if IÕm that
rare individual who is kind and considerate with the potential for being a good
partner? Is that an opportunity you
really want to pass up?
The Clack Boy appears and Tyler confers with him over his
shoulder.
CLACK BOY
Say yes, Tyler. HeÕs
cute.
TYLER
Usually when I get this feeling it means trouble down the
line.
CLACK BOY
I thought you were going to stay in the present.
TYLER
But heÕs getting way ahead of himself.
We just met!
CLACK BOY
Are you telling me you arenÕt sizing him up as husband
material? HeÕs honest and
vulnerable -- you could say no and crush him, or you could take your dick out of
retirement.
TYLER
I just donÕt know.
CLACK BOY
WhatÕs the matter, Tyler?
Scared?
Tyler stares at the Clack Boy who gloats -- heÕs got Tyler
figured out.
CLACK BOY (CONTÕD)
ItÕs just one dinner.
Come on, we have to wrap this picture.
Tyler turns to Eric and shrugs.
TYLER
IÕll bring a pineapple.
BLACK OUT.
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