self help or the Tower of Psychobabble
a play by Clark Carlton

PLAYERS

TYLER (35-40) Handsome, opinionated, sense of humor. Bleeding heart.

PETER (30-40) Beautiful, melancholy, self-obsessed.  Sweet and confident facade concealing a sadist.  

KYLE (35) A hungry actor.  Troubled, impulsive, eager to please.  Trendy, extreme dresser. 

ANDREW (40-50) Kind, accepting friend.  Funny, spaced out.

DR. BANYON (45-60) A nervous, neurotic psychologist.  An aging hippie. 

DR. DÕAGOSTINO (35-45) An oversexed and sexy psychologist. 

TIM (35-40)  A neurotic, whining psychologist.  Materialistic, status hungry. 

TERRY (30-40) A bitch.  Andrew's lover. 

ERIC (35-45) A handsome shopper. 

MINOR PLAYERS (portrayed by existing actors)
THE CLACK BOY
A FRENCH WAITER
AN ITALIAN WAITER
SANDY, BOB, RICK: The codependents. 

ACT ONE
The set is non-representational with flexible set pieces to represent psychologist's offices, bedrooms, restaurants, etc.  A movie camera, lights and a director's chair to the side of the stage may suggest a movie set. 

This is Los Angeles.  All objects and costumes are brightly colored except those worn by Peter which are dark or black.  Peter's first costume is white.

Scenes are introduced by THE CLACK BOY who "marks" each scene with a movie clack board, announcing the scene number and location.  The Clack Boy is a campy clown whose costumes reflect the theme of each scene.  He might provide sound effects or props as needed, might bicker with the actors or audience members between scenes.  The same actor may play TERRY. 

Play begins with electronic dance music.  The cast emerges, cruising each other in the costumes of a Village People for the year 2000.  The men pair off, break away, pair again, as TYLER emerges in a baseball jersey.  He doesn't fit in with them.    

The dancers pull hand mirrors from their pockets and surround Tyler, then turn the mirrors to the audience.  They look at their own reflections, scream in fright, then run off stage. 

The Clack Boy thrusts his mirror into Tyler's hand.  He looks at himself, then picks up a journal and writes. 

TYLER
Dear journal.  I've never been scared of anything.  Now something's happened that's made me see myself in a different way.  Who is my lover of 13 years, and who does he think I am that he would do this to me?   

The CLACK BOY, dressed as a member of a film crew with a tool belt, announces the first scene. 

ACT ONE, SCENE ONE - PROJECT LOVE FOOD

Tyler rushes in, grabs an apron, directs unseen volunteers -- a master of the chaos.  ANDREW stirs a bowl amid the noises of cooking. 

TYLER (CONT'D)
Candy, can you count out 800 containers?  Thanks...later on I want you to have my child.   Richard, can you and Enrique separate five hundred eggs for me?  Great...when you're done we can have a threeway.  Be prepared. 

(to Andrew)

Thanks for starting that, Andrew.  I had to walk Countess. 

ANDREW
Who's Countess?

TYLER
She's a 150 pound Great Dane.  Her dad's real sick and can't walk her.  You need a bulldozer to clean up after that dog. 

ANDREW
Do you have time for that?

TYLER
Someone's got to do it. 

ANDREW
Don't overextend yourself.  And at the risk of doing that, can you come over Tuesday?  I'm having a reading of my new screenplay. 

TYLER
Sure what's it about?

ANDREW
Set in the Sixties.  A gay green beret who falls in love with a gay Viet Cong. 

TYLER
Uh, sounds like lots of conflict.  What's it called?

ANDREW
Mr. Saigon.  Tyler -- you look tired.  Are you all right?

TYLER
Fine.  I had a big weekend.  Went to a softball tournament in San Francisco. 

ANDREW
How'd you do? 

TYLER
Tied for fourth.  Played a team called Stormy Leather and beat the chaps off Ôem. 

Tyler collapses in a chair. 

ANDREW
Tyler, what's wrong?

TYLER
While we were up there trouncing the Castro Street Cocoa Puffs, Kyle moved out on me. 

ANDREW
What?

TYLER
I walked in the house and half the furniture was missing.  He left me a note saying he couldnÕt go on. 

ANDREW
You must have been devastated. 

TYLER
It felt like a punch in the stomach.  Over and over again.  

ANDREW
Honey, come here.  

Andrew and Tyler hug. 

ANDREW (CONT'D)
Have you talked to him?

TYLER
I'm seeing him tomorrow.  In the office of a gay marriage counselor. 

ANDREW
Really?  Which one?

TYLER
Leonard DÕAgostino.

ANDREW
Oh, DÕAgostino.  Terry and I went to him.  Cutest little butt.

(a beat. Tyler stares at Andrew)

He's a good counselor too. 

VOICE OFF STAGE
Tyler, telephone.  It's your agent.

Tyler takes the phone. 

TYLER
Hi. Really?  When will we know?  That's fantastic.  Thanks!

ANDREW
What is it?

TYLER
Paramount likes The Issue of My Loins.

ANDREW
And don't we all.  What are you talking about?

TYLER
My screenplay.  They want a few more people to read it, but they're very excited.  Oh my God!  I can go to the dentist!

ACT ONE, SCENE TWO - DR. DÕAGOSTINO'S OFFICE

Tyler and Kyle face DR. DÕAGOSTINO.  Kyle is dressed as a clown. 

DÕAGOSTINO
I understand your struggling, but the most I can lower my fee is 120 an hour.

TYLER
Can't you go any lower?

DÕAGOSTINO
No.  Kyle, why are you dressed like that?

KYLE
I'm on my way to an audition for a new kid's show.  This is one of my characters, Tinkles the Clown. 

Kyle stands and sings the "Tinkles" song in falsetto while doing a little dance. 

TINKLES
(to the tune of Happy Birthday)

I'm Tinkles the Clown! 
Let's all fool around.
Though Tinkles I be
I promise not to pee!
(talking like Bozo)
At least I promise not to pee on you boys and girls. 

Tyler looks aghast.

TYLER
Kyle...

KYLE
What?

TYLER
Do you really want to sing that in your audition? 

KYLE
Why not? 

TYLER
Let's all fool around?  Jokes about peeing on children? 

KYLE
My nephews loved it.  This is exactly what I'm talking about, Tyler.  You're so critical, so controlling.

TYLER
This is what I'm talking about: turning our counseling session into the Tinkles the Clown show. 

DÕAGOSTINO
Hmmm.   How long have you been together?

TYLER
We were together for thirteen years.

DÕAGOSTINO
I've been with my own lover for thirteen years.  What do you want out of these session?

TYLER
I question the point in being here.  We've already broken up.

DÕAGOSTINO
So Tyler doesn't see any possibility of reconciling.  Do you want closure?

TYLER
Kyle gave me all the closure I needed when he moved out on me.

DÕAGOSTINO
Kyle, how do you feel?

Kyle shifts nervously.

KYLE
I'm thinking about reconciling. 

TYLER
Maybe you should have thought about that before you moved out all your groovy Sixties furniture. 

KYLE
I'm sorry, honey, I...

TYLER
You're sorry, honey?  You're not so sorry?  Do you know what it's like to walk into an emptied house?  Why are you punishing me? 

KYLE
I had to do that.  You wouldn't have let me move.  You'd have pulled your father shit on me. 

TYLER
You can do whatever you want.  And I am not your father.  I resent being identified with a born again Air Force Colonel who campaigns for Pat Buchanan -- with a man whose only reading material is the Bible.  And the back of cereal boxes. 

KYLE
Me thinks thou does protest too much.

TYLER
Doth.

KYLE
What?

TYLER
Me thinks thou doth protest too much. 

KYLE
Oh, fuck you.

TYLER
Fuck you.  And your father. 

DÕAGOSTINO
Hmmmm.  Tyler, why are you so angry at Kyle's father?

TYLER
Do you know what his father said to me?  He called not knowing that Kyle had moved out.  Then he said, "Maybe Kyle met the right Christian girl.  Maybe you can meet a girl too, Tyler."

KYLE
Tell him what you said then.

TYLER
What?

KYLE
After my father said I might have met a girl, Tyler told him that for her to be right, she'd have to be able to stick her Christian dick up my ass. 

TYLER
Well, he pissed me off.  He negated thirteen years of our marriage by thinking all you had to do was meet the right woman. 

DÕAGOSTINO
Tyler, you can't forget the man you're talking about is Kyle's family.  He didn't choose him.  He loves him. 

TYLER
I thought I was Kyle's family. 

DÕAGOSTINO
You've brought up an important point.  When the two of you met and fell in love, you chose a partner who resembles one or both of your parents.  I'd like each of you to buy and read a book called "The Parents Within Your Partner".

TYLER
Wasn't that guy on Oprah?

DÕAGOSTINO
He was.  I'd also like each of you to put together a list of grievances which you will read and mirror back to each other.  I'll see you next week. 

DÕAgostino exits.  Tyler and Kyle linger. 

KYLE
Hey, I heard Paramount likes The Issue of My Loins. 

 TYLER
Yeah, no offer yet.  Listen, the bed's too big for my new place.  Do you want it, or should I sell it?

Kyle starts to cry.

KYLE
Baby, don't sell the bed.  I just need some time away. 

ACT ONE, SCENE THREE - ANDREW'S HOUSE

Tyler and Andrew have plastic cups.  The buzz of a crowd is audible. 

TYLER
He says he just wants time away.

ANDREW
Sounds like he wants a shift in power. 

TYLER
He has all the power.

ANDREW
But he must have felt you had it. 

TYLER
He has it now.  He's the one who left.

ANDREW
But if you don't go back to him, you're the one with all the power.

TYLER
Shit, I thought we were talking about love.

PETER enters, dressed in white. 

PETER
Hi, Andrew.  Sorry I'm late, I had to walk Countess.  She's a...

TYLER, ANDREW & PETER
Hundred and fifty pound Great Dane. 

ANDREW
We know.  Tyler, you remember Peter.

TYLER
Uh, sure.  So you walk Countess at night.  I'm her morning walker. 

PETER
Oh really.  I'll tell you, you need a steam shovel to clean up after that dog.

Peter and Tyler laugh then stare, struck with each other. 

PETER (CONT'D)
Let me get a drink and come back,

Peter exits.  Tyler swoons.

TYLER
Andrew, who is that?  I could never forget anyone that cute.

ANDREW
That's Peter Moon.  You've met him several times.  He used to be Tim Bregoff's lover.

TYLER
That's Tim's lover?  The chubby journalist?

ANDREW
Ex-lover.  He shaved his moustache and lost thirty pounds.  He's dating, you know.  You might like him.  He reads a lot, likes nature.  And he's been working on himself. 

TYLER
Working on himself?

ANDREW
Yes.  He's gone back to his therapist and joined some self-realization groups.

TYLER
My God, I've got that feeling. 

ANDREW
What feeling?

TYLER
Like hot snakes are writhing through my lower intestine.  Like someone's banging a gong deep inside of me. 

TERRY enters wearing an apron and oven mitts. 

TERRY
Andrew, as host of this reading, do you think you could give me a hand in the kitchen?  It's not my screenplay we're reading tonight. 

ANDREW
Just give me a second, honey.

Peter returns with a drink, looks at Terry. 

TERRY
A second has passed.  If you don't get into the kitchen and immediately assist me, then a pan of seafood lasagna is going to be dumped on your side of the bed.

Terry smacks Andrew's butt as they exit. 

TYLER
Andrew tells me you're dating.

PETER
Aren't you?

TYLER
No, I...

PETER
Don't want to get involved in any dangerous rebounds while you're vulnerable?

TYLER
Right. 

PETER
I was surprised to hear you and Kyle broke up.  Everyone thought you had the perfect relationship. 

TYLER
I was surprised too.  Thought I'd be with him the rest of my life.

PETER
The rest of your life?

TYLER
Maybe you've heard about me.  The world's first and only monogamous homosexual.  When I lived in New York, people used to point me out on the street and snicker: That's him, Tyler Sunnydale.  Just wants to fuck one guy.

PETER
I think that's refreshing. 

TYLER
You do?

PETER
I do.  You're not the only one, Tyler.  I'm sorry you're not dating. 

TYLER
From what I hear it's hell out there.

PETER
Oh, it is.  But when you're ready, you'll find someone...someone smart and sweet and stable...someone who wants you for his one and only man. 

Andrew appears with a pile of scripts, hands one to Tyler and Peter. 

ANDREW
We're ready.  Tyler, you're reading the part of Sergeant Barry Sandals, and Peter, you're reading Touk Chee Win, the Viet Cong commando.  Your motivation is you're in love, and not even napalm can stop you. 

Andrew winks then leaves, but Tyler and Peter linger. 

TYLER
Can I give you my number?

PETER
Let me give you mine.

TYLER
Great.  Maybe we can go on a...date or something. 

ACT ONE, SCENE FOUR - DR. DÕAGOSTINO'S OFFICE

Tyler and Kyle face DÕAgostino.  Kyle is dressed like a leather and chain daddy. 

DÕAGOSTINO
Good morning.  Did you put together your list of grievances?

TYLER
I did.

Kyle jumps up.

KYLE
I wrote down a few thoughts. 

DÕAGOSTINO
All right.  Why don't you go first, Kyle?

KYLE
Okay.  One: for the last year, Tyler has owed me seven thousand dollars.

TYLER
I apologize.  I want to pay it back.

KYLE
Two: I'm tired of you criticizing my clothes.  After I shaved my head and started wearing boots, you said I looked like a Fascist fag.

TYLER
What you wear is your business.  I apologize. 

KYLE
Three.  Your moods.  You've gotten better, but you swing back and forth between being really happy and abject depression. 

TYLER
I apologize.  When my work is rejected, it sends me into a tailspin. 

KYLE
Lastly, I resent being psychoanalyzed.  You are not my psychiatrist. 

TYLER
Okay, Kyle, but if you wouldn't look inward, somebody had to.

DÕAGOSTINO
Tyler, your turn. 

TYLER
You laughed at me in front of our friends and interrupted me when I was talking.  You weren't...

KYLE (interrupting)
Wait a minute, I...oops. 

TYLER
...happy unless you had all the attention.

KYLE
I don't agree with all of that. 

TYLER
You withdrew from me and kept everything a secret.  You blamed me for your unhappiness instead of admitting you hate getting older. 

KYLE
I told you I was going through an age crisis.  I...I was leaving the 18 to 34 group. 

TYLER
You blamed me for your career failures, telling me I held you back. 

KYLE
I still think that's true. 

TYLER
Why?  Because you would have been free to sleep with the right people?  You tortured me by coming home at three in the morning without calling me.  Not once, or twice, or ten times, but over and over again.  I had to wonder if you weren't dead in a car wreck or getting fucked in some bathhouse.  You'd come home drunk and then scream at me that I'd trapped you.  (sobbing)
I should have left you over that alone. 

DÕAgostino takes a moment.   

DÕAGOSTINO
Hmmmmmm.  There's a lot of hurt here. 

KYLE
It's my father.  Whenever I came home late, he made me get on my knees and pray to God for forgiveness. 

TYLER
I am not your father!

DÕAGOSTINO
Go on, Tyler. 

TYLER
As a result of having sex outside of our relationship, I got gonorrhea, scabies, crabs, and shortly after I had hepatitis A, you gave me hepatitis B which has compromised my liver.  I resent the mental anguish I was put through knowing you were having sex outside of our relationship.

DÕAGOSTINO
What is your response, Kyle?

KYLE
I apologize, but that was all ten years ago. 

Kyle starts to cry. 

DÕAGOSTINO
What's next on your list?

TYLER
You moved out on me with no warning.  You destroyed our family.  You left me at a time when one of our animals is sick.  And that was ten days ago. 

DÕAGOSTINO
Why did you do that, Kyle?

KYLE
I don't know.  I was just in so much pain. My psychologist told me I had to shit or get off the pot.

DÕAGOSTINO
Did he tell you to move without telling Tyler?

KYLE
No...

TYLER
He did it to hurt me...to make me feel like he does.  God damn you, Kyle.  GOD DAMN YOU TO FUCKING HELL!

Kyle and DÕAgostino are silent. 

KYLE
I have one more thing to add to my list.

DÕAGOSTINO
Yes?

KYLE
Sometimes he gets really angry. 

ACT ONE, SCENE FIVE - THE SAN GABRIEL MOUNTAINS

Tyler and Peter set up a picnic lunch. 

TYLER
That's the furthest I've hiked since I was a Boy Scout.

PETER
You were a Boy Scout?  I envy you.  Did you make Eagle?

TYLER
No, when I was thirteen, I grew my hair long, started smoking pot -- I was a late blooming flower child.  I could never have made Eagle anyway.  You have to belong to a church and my family are all atheists. 

Peter falls silent.

PETER
Y-you're an atheist?

TYLER
Dirtiest word in the English language.  It means you're talking to no one when you pray.  I actually think there is something you could call God, but let's face it, he's just a tireless watcher that never intervenes. 

PETER
He doesn't?

TYLER
Nope.  And that's why we have to answer each other's prayers.  I loved Boy Scouts -- camping, patriotism, some really hot blowjobs ... 

PETER
My mother wouldn't let me join.  She said there were too many camp outs away from home.  Were you ever religious?

TYLER
I was a Jesus Freak for about eight minutes in the Seventies.  I made this deal with Jesus -- I would stop masturbating if he would end all these vivid fantasies I had about sex with men.

PETER
What happened?

TYLER
Jesus didn't hold up his end of the deal, and I still tug the pygmy 

PETER
Are you always this open?

TYLER
'Fraid so.  What religion were you raised in?

PETER
Catholic. 

TYLER
Ever thought about entering the priesthood?

PETER
I thought about it all the time.  How did you know?

TYLER
All you gay Catholic boys want to be priests.  You can run from your sexuality and still wear a dress in public. 

PETER
They're called cassocks, Tyler.  I...I came very close to going to seminary. 

TYLER
You'd have been a terrible priest.

PETER
Why?

TYLER
You'd have tempted half the parishioners to lust.  They'd be kneeling before you to get a communion wafer when they'd throw up your cassock to get something else on their tongue instead.   I hope I'm not offending you. 

PETER
Tyler, I left the church a long time ago.

TYLER
When?

PETER
I was twenty.  How long have I known you? About three hours?  You should know something about me.  I joined another church.  Well, a ... a cult, actually. 

TYLER
Which one?

PETER
The Temple of Sacred Fire.

TYLER
Wait ... you mean those guys that wear orange turbans and carry swords?

PETER
That's the one.

TYLER
What did I just read about her -- Guru Baba Ram Raisin.

PETER
Baba Ram Lakshmi.

TYLER
Right.  She got caught doing it with the pool boys in the towel cabana at Caeser's Palace. 

Peter looks pained, turns away from Tyler. 

PETER
I feel really vulnerable telling you all this. 

TYLER
It's all right.  I have a confession, too.  I was a Hare Krishna ... for a weekend. 

PETER
You were? 

TYLER
Yeah.  I ran away from home and they took me in.  I loved all those pictures of the blue skinned deities with twenty arms. 

PETER
You know, I think I can talk to you.

TYLER
You can.  You can tell me anything. 

PETER
My ex and I had fantasies about you.  We'd see you at Andrew's parties and talk about taking you home with us. He would just die if he knew we were on a date. 

TYLER
Listen, I haven't done this dating thing in a long time.  Do we get to kiss at some point?

PETER
Yes.  We do. 

TYLER
Is that something we could do now?

Peter leaps on Tyler, kisses him ravenously.  After a while, Tyler comes up for air.

TYLER (CONT'D)
Wow.  I wasn't sure I could do this.

PETER
You're doing fine. 

Peter returns to kissing Tyler when he handily flips Peter over. Tyler gets lost in Peter's face.

ACT ONE, SCENE SIX - DÕAGOSTINOÕS OFFICE

Tyler and Kyle face DÕAgostino.

TYLER
This has to be our last session.

KYLE & DÕAGOSTINO
Why?

Tyler smiles, looks delirious.

TYLER
I, uh, I've gotten all the closure I need. 

DÕAGOSTINO
Hmmm.  What's given you closure, Tyler?

TYLER
I still don't know why Kyle left me.  I think he should admit he was fucking around on me.  All of his other behaviors are back...smoking, drinking, doing drugs.

DÕAGOSTINO
Kyle, were you having sex outside of the relationship?

KYLE
No!

TYLER
Maybe you were, maybe you weren't.

KYLE
I wasn't Tyler.  Did you meet someone?

Tyler shrugs his shoulders. 

TYLER
Maybe I have, maybe I haven't.

ACT ONE, SCENE SEVEN - A FRENCH RESTAURANT

Tyler and Peter have a candle light dinner.

TYLER 
What have you been writing?

PETER
A couple of things.  An article about dreams -- mine are really wild -- and another about a hermit I met in the Angeles Crest Mountains.  He's lived by himself in a tree house for years. 

TYLER
I've felt like a hermit myself lately.

PETER
Tyler, that time has come to an end. 

Peter takes Tyler's hand, stares into his eyes. 

PETER
What kind of wine should we get?

TYLER
Whatever kind you like.  It's all old grape juice to me.

A FRENCH WAITER comes by, notices them holding hands. 

FRENCH WAITER
Have you decided?

PETER
The house white.

TYLER
An excellent decision.  Uh, you know, Peter, this is a straight restaurant.

PETER
Does holding hands make you uncomfortable?

TYLER
Just a little.  I forgot what all this feels like.

PETER
What what feels like?

TYLER
Being with some beautiful guy you can't wait to...to...

PETER
I know.  I haven't felt this way since I was a baby, since I had the perfect mirror of my mother's eyes. 

TYLER (a long pause)
What's that mean?

PETER
When I'm with you, I feel complete.  Like I've found a lost part of myself. 

TYLER
Okay 

Tyler is utterly charmed.  The waiter sets down wine and they taste it.

TYLER 
What do you think?

PETER
I think it's winsome.

TYLER
Winsome?

PETER
Yes.  It has a self-conscious charm.

TYLER
Does it?

PETER
It's a sassy little bitch.  See, whenever you don't know what to say about a wine, talk about it like it's a person.  Talk about a young wine like it was a charming child, and an old wine as if it were royalty. 

TYLER
Okay.  Uh, this wine has a maturity beyond its years, but the aftertaste is a little bratty.

PETER
I agree.

TYLER
Peter...

PETER
Yes?

TYLER
Do you wanna spend the night?

PETER
I do, but I don't know if we should.

TYLER
It's too soon?

PETER
I'd just like to build up a little more intimacy.

TYLER
Maybe we could just sleep together.

PETER
I'd like that.  I want to kiss you.

TYLER
Soon.

PETER
No.  Now. 

Peter grabs him and they hungrily kiss.  They slip under the table.  The waiter returns and lifts the table cloth.  His eyes bulge. 

ACT ONE, SCENE 8 - TYLERÕS BEDROOM

Tyler and Peter tear each otherÕs clothes off and jump into bed.  As the lights come up, they have just finished up.

PETER
Wow.  So that's what it feels like.

TYLER
What what feels like?

PETER
That's the first time I was ever...penetrated.

TYLER
That's the first time you ever got..?  In your whole life?

PETER
Yes.

TYLER
You should have told me.  I'd have gone a lot slower.  Tim never wanted to be on top?

PETER
He did, but I wouldn't let him. 

TYLER
Why not?

PETER
I wasn't ready for it.  I just didn't feel safe with him. 

TYLER
He tested...

PETER
Negative.  I just didn't want to give him that much control over me.  He was already so controlling. 

TYLER
But you feel safe with me. 

PETER
I do.  I feel there's a lot of room for me when I'm with you.  Tim was very lively, and sometimes I hid behind him.

TYLER
I don't remember Tim like that at all.  To me he was this quiet guy who always overdressed. 

PETER
I like how he dressed.  He was quiet around you because you overwhelmed him.  He couldn't talk or eat when you were in the same room. 

TYLER
Really.  I'm flattered.

PETER
Are you all right, Tyler?  You're trembling.

TYLER
Well, truthfully, I...I feel scared.  I don't know of what. 

Peter pulls Tyler to him.

PETER
It's all right to be scared.  Will you spend my birthday with me?

TYLER
Of course.  When is it?

PETER
Next Tuesday.  August fourth.

TYLER
Did you say August fourth!?

Tyler jumps out of bed. 

TYLER (CONT'D)
That is Kyle's birthday!  Weird!  But that's okay...that's all right.  Really.  It just goes to show that astrology is a crock of shit.  You and Kyle are nothing alike.

PETER
I think there's something to astrology.  And I must be like Kyle in some way, or you wouldn't be attracted to me.

TYLER
No.  You are not like Kyle at all (a pause) What did you love about Tim?

PETER
Lots of things.  He had a good mind, a sense of adventure.  And I ... I loved his pain.

TYLER
His pain?

PETER
Yeah.  It touched me. 

TYLER
How did you meet?

PETER
At an encounter group Halloween party.  You had to come dressed as your illness.  Tim was so cute.  He was wearing a door mat.

A long pause.  Tyler is startled. 

TYLER
Oh.  How were you dressed?

PETER
I brought a heavy quilt.  Occasionally, I'd emerge from it, struggling for breath.

TYLER
Like you'd been smothered.

PETER
Yes.

TYLER
I'll keep that in mind. 

They stare again.  An awkward pause.

PETER
What did you love about Kyle?

TYLER
He was like this big kid.  He dragged me out of depressions and made me laugh.  I loved his happiness. 

PETER
Oh.  Really.

A second awkward pause.

PETER (CONT'D)
Then why did it end?

TYLER
Because he couldn't keep his dick at home.

PETER
Tim was a sex addict.  In recovery when I met him.

TYLER
A sex addict.

PETER
He estimates that he had over two thousand contacts. 

TYLER
Kyle's had at least that many.  I mean, in the Seventies, wasn't everybody a sex addict?  How do you recover?

PETER
Twelve step programs, clinics.  Not everyone recognizes it as an addiction. 

TYLER
Who ended it between you guys?

The longest pause yet.

PETER
Uh, it was mutual.  He was very neurotic, very narcissistic.  Nothing or no one was ever good enough.  He always wanted a Mercedes and when he finally got one, he took it in four times to fix some imaginary rattle. 

TYLER
Are you guys friends?

PETER
No.  I can't see him. 

TYLER
Why not?

PETER
Because it would give him hope that we could get back together.  I think it's interesting that you and I were both married to addicts.

TYLER
How?

PETER
It sounds like we share some codependency issues.

Peter pulls away, starts dressing.  

PETER (CONT'D)
Tyler, don't take offense, but I feel this thing between us is going too fast. 

TYLER
Too fast?

PETER
Yes. 

TYLER
Do you want to date other men?

PETER
No, I'm just a little nervous.  Here we are on our fourth date and we've already had sex.  It's a little scary.

TYLER
We can take it slow.  Don't you want to spend the night?

PETER
I would love to, but I've got to get up early and call my shrink.  Especially after what happened tonight.  I have to figure out what I'm feeling. 

Peter looks terrified as he wordlessly kisses Tyler good-bye.  Tyler turns to the audience.

TYLER
Dear journal.  I'm feeling like there's a Maytag washer churning in my gut.  I'm falling fast for this man, but I wonder -- is this who I'm going to grow old with?

ACT ONE, SCENE NINE - THE DOG PARK 

Tyler and Kyle watch their dog frolic in the park.  Kyle smokes, looks depressed. 

KYLE
What's the news on your screenplay?

TYLER
The coverage is good, they're still excited.  Mooky looks okay.

KYLE
The vet says he's completely recovered.  He might be honkin' around for a while.

TYLER
Thanks for keeping him. 

KYLE
I'm glad to have him.  He helps me get through the hard days.  And I need someone to sleep with. 

Kyle elbows Tyler, laughs too loud. 

KYLE (CONT'D)
I need to ask you something.  This guy I know was going to be my roommate, but it fell through.  It's a big place...three bedrooms.  One of them could be an office.  Do you know anyone who might like to move in?

Tyler tenses, stares at Kyle. 

TYLER
Are you asking me to move in with you?

KYLE
Don't make this hard for me. 

TYLER
Kyle, how could I?  The way you left me?  My friends would think I was crazy and they'd be right. 

KYLE
Tyler, I fucked up.  I want to come back.

TYLER
No 

KYLE
Are you seeing someone?

TYLER
Do you really want to ask me that?

KYLE
Yes.

TYLER
Tell me first.  Who were you doing it with?

KYLE
I fooled around when I was on tour in London.  It was totally safe.

TYLER
Oh, that's great. When you came home from that trip, you didn't talk to me for a month.  Like I had done something wrong.  Listen, right after we broke up, some of our friends came forward and told me about your behavior at the gym.  Apparently you have quite a reputation, Shower Dog. 

 

KYLE

 

Who told you that?

 

TYLER

 

Have you ever wondered if youÕre a sex addict?

 

KYLE

 

A sex addict?

 

TYLER

 

Yeah.  When I first met you, you were going to bathhouses and tea rooms and when you fucked around on me you said you couldnÕt help it.  Are you going to sex clubs now?

 

KYLE

 

IÕve checked them out.  DonÕt look at me like that.  I just wanted to know what was going on. 

 

TYLER

 

What was going on?  What did you think was going on, taffy pulls?

 

KYLE

 

WhoÕs this guy youÕre seeing?

 

TYLER

 

HeÕs a friend of AndrewÕs.

 

KYLE

 

Does he have a name?

 

TYLER

 

Peter.  His name is Peter. 

 

KYLE

 

What do you like about ... Peter?

 

TYLER

 

DonÕt torture yourself. 

 

KYLE

 

No.  I want to know.  Is he like me?

 

TYLER

 

No, heÕs a lot like me.  He was faithful to his lover the entire time they were together.  ItÕs a different kind of romance -- he needs a lot of ÒspaceÓ.

 

KYLE

 

Do you think itÕs serious?

 

TYLER

 

I think we might belong together.

 

KYLE

 

Rub it in, already.

 

TYLER

 

Kyle, I will always love you.  But I can never go back to someone who wants to hurt me.

 

 

Kyle lights a cigarette, stares intently at Tyler. 

 

KYLE

 

I might as well tell you something.  I did meet someone in London.  His name is Byron.  WeÕve had a long distance relationship for the last year.  I wanted to...

 

TYLER

 

(interrupting)

 

WhatÕs wrong with you, Kyle?  No, what is wrong with me that I ever put up with any of this shit?  Byron? 

 

Tyler stalks off.  Kyle calls after the dog.

 

ACT ONE, SCENE 10 - YOSEMITE NATIONAL PARK

 

Peter and Tyler undress, get into a sleeping bag.

 

TYLER (CONTÕD)

 

Wow.  Just look at Half Dome under moon light.

 

PETER

 

Yeah.

 

TYLER

 

Are you okay?  YouÕve been really quiet since dinner.

 

PETER

 

I was just thinking about my parents.

 

TYLER

 

Are they okay?

 

PETER

 

TheyÕre fine.  I just feel sad when I think about them. 

 

TYLER

 

Why?

 

PETER

 

They ignored me, didnÕt see me for who I am.  They were so ... narcissistic.  I didnÕt get what I wanted from them. 

 

TYLER

 

Then why are you thinking of them?  Why donÕt you just be here with me?

 

PETER

 

I know.  I should be.  ItÕs just that they left me with this wound, this hole that feels like it can never be filled. 

 

TYLER

 

Peter, your parents arenÕt here now.  But I see you.  I wonÕt ignore you.  I think youÕre really wonderful.  IÕm going out on a limb here but ... I ... I love you. 

 

PETER

 

You didnÕt have to tell me.  I love you, too. 

 

TYLER

 

He loves me!  He loves me!

 

Tyler picks up Peter and twirls with him.  Peter suddenly reverts to infancy. 

 

PETER

 

Do you really love me?

 

TYLER

 

I love you from the deepest part of my being. 

 

PETER

 

Tyler, I canÕt ... I canÕt ...

 

TYLER

 

What?

 

PETER

 

I canÕt let love in. 

 

Tyler pulls PeterÕs pants off. 

 

TYLER

 

Yes you can.  Let it in now.  YouÕre my boy now and weÕre gonna take care of each other. 

 

PETER

 

Tyler, I want you inside me. 

 

TYLER

 

I want to be inside you.  IÕm going to do it from behind, really hard and really fast.  It might hurt at first. 

 

PETER

 

I hope it does.

 

Lights go to black, then come up for morning.  Tyler and Peter dress.

 

TYLER

 

I hate the drive back.

 

PETER

 

So do I.  Back to the city.  Back to the world. 

 

TYLER

 

Is something wrong?

 

PETER

 

I didnÕt sleep well. 

 

TYLER

 

I know.  You were tossing and turning all night.  Look at me, Peter.  YouÕre having a hard time looking at me. 

 

PETER

 

I know.  ItÕs because we said the ÒLÓ word.

 

TYLER

 

WhatÕs wrong with that?

 

PETER

 

IÕm afraid IÕll lose myself. 

 

TYLER

 

Lose yourself?

 

PETER

 

ItÕs been a pattern.  I fall in love and forget who I am. 

 

TYLER

 

Well, IÕll promise to remind you. 

 

ACT ONE, SCENE ELEVEN - TYLERÕS CAR

 

Peter looks frightened as Tyler drives. 

 

PETER

 

Tyler, I...

 

TYLER

 

What?

 

PETER

 

I had this dream last night.  Actually, itÕs the third time IÕve had it.  Jesus, Mary and Joseph were watching you do it to me...

 

TYLER

 

You mean fuck you?

 

PETER

 

Yes.  And when you pulled out, my penis fell off.  I started screaming that we had to go to the hospital to sew it back on.  But you took it, put it in your purse and threw it in Lake Superior. 

 

TYLER

 

In my purse?

 

PETER

 

Yes.  Then I realized I was late for my appearance on the old Tonight Show, the one with Johnny Carson.  I was getting my make-up done in the green room when Ed McMahon came in, raped me from behind and poured Budweiser down my back.  All the time he was laughing...A haw haw haw!  Then I sprouted mammaries and was forced to go on television with Joan Embry and breast feed a baby gorilla from the San Diego Zoo.  The meaning is so obvious!

 

TYLER

 

It is?

 

PETER

 

Yes.  Your repeated penetrations have stolen my manhood. 

 

TYLER

 

Peter, IÕm not stealing your manhood when I fuck you.  IÕm giving you some of mine.  You can give me some of yours if you want. 

 

PETER

 

You know, Tyler, I canÕt always be intimate with you. 

 

TYLER

 

I canÕt always be intimate with you.  Why are you telling me this?

 

PETER

 

I had a lot of intimacy with Tim, but we had to pull away sometimes. 

 

TYLER

 

You did, or he did?

 

PETER

 

We both did.  We did this dance around it before we came back together. 

 

TYLER

 

IÕm not like that.  I donÕt play games.  And I donÕt understand why we have to end every weekend with you pushing me away. 

 

PETER

 

IÕm not pushing you away.  ItÕs just that this is getting complicated. 

 

TYLER

 

It is?

 

PETER

 

One of the things that intrigues me about you is that youÕre the type who mates for life.  That frightens me too. 

 

TYLER

 

Christ, Peter, itÕs not like IÕve registered our china pattern. 

 

PETER

 

I know.  Just sometimes when IÕm with you, I think about going back to Tim. 

 

TYLER

 

Tim?!  Why?

 

PETER

 

ItÕs what I know.  I just feel I connected with him in a way that I donÕt with you.

 

TYLER

 

Is it that pain thing?

 

PETER

 

Part of it.

 

TYLER

 

I can feel pain, too.  Believe me.  IÕm not going to dwell in it for you. 

 

Peter opens the door.  

 

PETER

 

Bye, Tyler.  IÕll miss you.

 

TYLER

 

Miss me?  You can see me tomorrow if you want. 

 

PETER

 

No.  I need to miss you. 

 

ACT ONE, SCENE 12 - PROJECT LOVE FOOD

 

Tyler and Andrew use rolling pins. 

 

TYLER

 

Every time we part he looks scared or something,  He seems anxious for me to go and I leave feeling terrible.  I stop by the liquor store and buy cigarettes.  IÕm starting to think he has more baggage than a carousel at Kennedy Airport.

 

ANDREW

 

HeÕs no saint, Tyler.  And he does withdraw. 

 

VOICE OFF STAGE

 

Tyler, telephone.  ItÕs your agent.

 

TYLER

 

Uh oh.  Sharie Lansing read The Issue of My Loins.  I canÕt go to the phone.  ItÕs like that story of the lady or the tiger - either itÕs a wedding banquet or I get devoured. 

 

ANDREW

 

YouÕll never know unless you pick it up. 

 

TYLER

 

Hi, Shelly.   Uh huh.  Oh.  Okay.

 

Tyler can barely return the phone. 

 

TYLER (CONTÕD)

 

Ms. Lansing thinks IÕm very talented, but this script didnÕt get her hard.  Why do I let this stab me again and again?

 

Tyler crouches, stares at the floor, the picture of despair. 

 

ANDREW

 

Tyler, maybe you should see someone. 

 

TYLER

 

See someone?

 

ANDREW

 

You know.  A therapist. 

 

ACT ONE, SCENE THIRTEEN - DR. BANYONÕS OFFICE

 

Tyler paces in the office of DR. ALAN BANYON, who wheels about in a rolling desk chair. 

 

TYLER

 

I look at friends of mine who are buying homes and I canÕt scrape my rent together.  My carÕs breaking down, my credit cards are maxed out.  I took the road less traveled and the pay has been shit. 

 

DR. BANYON

 

And all of these problems seem bigger to you since you broke up with Kyle. 

 

TYLER

 

Right!  No matter what happened during the day, at night we were together in bed. ItÕs not

really a financial thing, Dr. Banyon.  I just want to work in my field. 

 

DR. BANYON

 

Uh huh.  It sounds to me like youÕre going through a typical mid-life crisis. 

 

TYLER

 

What?

 

DR. BANYON

 

A mid-life crisis.  You are familiar with the term. 

 

TYLER

 

I was going to say IÕm too young to have a mid-life crisis.  But youÕre right -- my life is ... half over. 

 

DR. BANYON

 

And from what I gather, you have a lot of integrity.  You want to succeed on your own terms and be recognized for your talent.

 

TYLER

 

That is absolutely true!

 

DR. BANYON

 

Your values are actually against you.  If what you wanted was a Porsche and a home in the Hollywood Hills, you would have had that already.  People in Hollywood donÕt trust guys like you.  They donÕt know who you are. 

 

Tyler takes a seat on the floor, submitting to the compassionate master. 

 

TYLER

 

My God, Doctor, you are so right.

 

DR. BANYON

 

ThatÕs all we have time for.

 

Dr. Banyon gets up abruptly, walks off with his chair.

 

TYLER

 

You know, IÕm just sure I met you somewhere before.  You donÕt remember?

 

DR. BANYON

 

No, I really donÕt. 

 

ACT ONE, SCENE 14 - LOCKER ROOM

 

Kyle is toweling off, eyeing the other nude men, when DÕAgostino steps up to the next nozzle.

 

KYLE

 

Dr. DÕAgostino?  ItÕs Kyle.  I didnÕt know you worked out here. 

 

DÕAGOSTINO

 

I didnÕt recognize you out of your clothes, Kyle.  I never heard from you or Tyler again.  Did you guys end it or start over?

 

KYLE

 

We ended it.  Tyler met somebody.  Another client of yours. 

 

DÕAGOSTINO

 

Who?

 

KYLE

 

Peter Moon.  Used to be...

 

DÕAGOSTINO

 

Lovers with Tim Bregoff.  I counseled them during their break-up.  Tyler with Peter.  Hmmmmmmmmmmm. 

 

KYLE

 

What?

 

DÕAGOSTINO

 

Uh, nothing.  So have you been dating?

 

KYLE

 

No.  IÕm single, a free man.  Free, free, free.

 

DÕAGOSTINO

 

What do you do to get your thighs so big?

 

KYLE

 

ItÕs natural really.  How do you get your pecs so cut?

 

DÕAGOSTINO

 

Incline and decline bench press. 

 

They eye each other.  A silence passes.

 

DÕAGOSTINO (CONTÕD)

 

The steam roomÕs empty.

 

KYLE

 

But youÕre married.

 

DÕAGOSTINO

 

We have an agreement.

 

KYLE

 

But I was a client of yours.

 

DÕAGOSTINO

 

Not anymore.  Come on. 

 

DÕAgostino drops his towel, yanks off KyleÕs, prods his butt off stage.

 

ACT ONE, SCENE 15 - PETERÕS BEDROOM - ONE WEEK LATER

 

Peter examines his purchases from shopping. 

 

TYLER

 

You have a lot of mirrors.

 

PETER

 

So? 

 

TYLER

 

Just noticing.  And pictures of yourself.  Why do you have a picture of yourself by the bed?

 

PETER

 

To make a daily affirmation.  I pick up the picture and tell myself how much I love myself.  I love this shirt.  YouÕd look good in this shirt. 

 

TYLER

 

No.  Olive brings out your eyes.  It makes me look jaundiced. 

 

PETER

 

Why didnÕt you buy anything?

 

TYLER

 

I donÕt need anything. 

 

Peter takes a belt from a bag.

 

PETER

 

I really like this belt. 

 

TYLER

 

Yeah.  So you said. 

 

PETER

 

I remember when I was first dating Tim, I stepped into his walk-in and saw that he had thirty belts. 

 

TYLER

 

Thirty belts?

 

PETER

 

I was so impressed.  I had just left the ashram with hardly anything but the clothes on my back and he was making 50 thousand in his first year of practice.  That was such a sad time. 

 

TYLER

 

If you had just met him, IÕd think it would be a happy time.  IÕm starting to think you like being sad. 

 

PETER

 

No, I donÕt. 

 

TYLER

 

If I was seeing someoneÕs closet for the first time and I saw that they had thirty belts, IÕd run the other way.

 

PETER

 

Why?

 

TYLER

 

ThatÕs someone who feels like theyÕll never have enough.  Like Imelda Marcos and her shoes.  I forgot what Tim does.

 

PETER

 

HeÕs a psychologist.  I think part of my attraction to him was so he could help me figure myself out. 

 

Tyler reacts.  Uh oh.

 

PETER (CONTÕD)

 

Tyler, IÕve been talking about belts for a reason. 

 

TYLER

 

What about Ôem? 

 

PETER

 

You wear the same belt everywhere.  You wear it hiking, you wear it to dinner parties.  ItÕs getting beat up. 

 

TYLER

 

ItÕs the only belt I have. 

 

PETER

 

You should get another one.

 

TYLER

 

I used to borrow KyleÕs.  I donÕt buy belts. 

 

PETER

 

Honey, people would respect you more if you dressed a little better.  IÕve had to ask myself, what am I doing with a guy who wears such a ratty belt?

 

A long pause.

 

TYLER

 

I donÕt buy belts because my father used to whip me with his.  Now you are.  As for your clothes, I donÕt like everything you wear.  All the colors you pick are drab and depressing...unless youÕre wearing floral patterns which I think look silly on you. 

 

Peter is stunned, re-examines the shirt heÕs wearing.

 

TYLER (CONTÕD)

 

DonÕt make me over, Peter, and I wonÕt re-make you. 

 

Peter smolders. 

 

PETER

 

I knew shopping would bring up shit.

 

TYLER

 

ItÕs bringing up shit for you.  Somehow I sense you want your shit to be my shit. 

 

PETER

 

Tyler, IÕm just thinking of you.  IÕm worried that youÕre denying yourself and living like an aesthetic.  It bugs me that your apartmentÕs so empty.  You should buy some furniture.

 

TYLER

 

Ascetic.

 

PETER

 

ThatÕs what I said. 

 

TYLER

 

You said ÔaestheticÕ.  IÕm kind of a hippie, Peter.  When I have money, IÕd rather spend it on music or theater tickets or a really good meal.  I donÕt want to spend it on a strip of dead cow.  The reason I donÕt have any furniture in my living room is because I need the space.

 

PETER

 

For what?

 

TYLER

 

To dance.  Which is something I do every day.  You might try that. 

 

Tyler does a soulful dance around Peter.

 

TYLER (CONTÕD)

 

Do we need milk for breakfast?

 

PETER

 

IÕd rather you didnÕt spend the night.  I thought I told you.

 

Tyler stops dancing. 

 

TYLER

 

No, you didnÕt. 

 

PETER

 

IÕve got my male bonding retreat tomorrow.  I have to get up early and stretch my drum. 

 

TYLER

 

Oh. 

 

PETER

 

I love you, Tyler.

 

TYLER

 

I love you.

 

Tyler leaves, crushed.  A spotlight comes on as the Clack Boy hands him a mirror and his journal.

 

TYLER (CONTÕD)

 

Dear journal.  Lately, I get this feeling that IÕm not good enough for Peter.  HeÕs always examining me -- like my carÕs too old, my refrigerator needs cleaning, and my bank balance is too small.  IÕm starting to see myself differently, through his eyes, and not really liking it.   

 

ACT ONE, SCENE SIXTEEN - PETERÕS APARTMENT

 

Peter opens the door and kisses Tyler.

 

PETER

 

This is for you.

 

Peter hands Tyler a box which he opens. 

 

PETER (CONTÕD)

 

I just came from my therapists.  I talked it over with her and I was wrong.  IÕm sorry.

 

Tyler takes a belt out of the box.  He uses it to pull Peter into his embrace.  They hungrily kiss. 

 

TYLER

 

Thank you, but I already bought one.  Actually, I bought several. 

 

PETER

 

Several?  WhyÕd you do that?

 

TYLER

 

Because I want you to be proud of me. 

 

PETER

 

I am proud of you.  IÕm just a little sad though.

 

TYLER

 

About what?

 

PETER

 

To find out weÕre not so much alike.   I have fantasies about dressing up in tuxedoes and arriving at AIDS benefits in a new Miata.

 

TYLER

 

I hate tuxedoes.  Monkey suits.  And those little sport cars arenÕt safe.  I hate cars anyway.

 

PETER

 

You hate cars?

 

TYLER

 

I loathe cars.  The auto industry is the most evil institution since the Spanish Inquisition.

 

PETER

 

It is?

 

TYLER

 

If I could go back in time and kill three people, IÕd choose Hitler, Stalin and Henry Ford. 

 

PETER

 

Why?

 

TYLER

 

Because he popularized the automobile.  Every year in this country, fifty thousand people die of automobile crashes.  A hundred thousand die from lung disease related to car exhaust.  Our one and only Earth is scarred by highways and suburban sprawl. 

 

PETER

 

Tyler, you drive a car.

 

TYLER

 

I live in Los Angeles.

 

Tyler tries on his new belt when Andrew and Terry arrive. 

 

TYLER, PETER, ANDREW & TERRY

 

(in unison)

 

Hiii-eee!

 

TERRY

 

Oh, look!  I see someone finally got a new belt. 

 

TYLER

 

Wait, Terry, you just walked in the door and youÕre starting with the bitchery all ready?

 

TERRY

 

WhoÕs being a bitch?  You got a new belt didnÕt you?

 

TYLER

 

Yes, I did.  Maybe later on I could whip your ass with it. 

 

TERRY

 

Yoooooow!  YouÕre on. 

 

TYLER

 

What movie did you bring?

 

ANDREW

 

I didnÕt bring it.  Terry did.

 

TERRY

 

Since Tyler and Andrew picked last time, that dreadful Woody Allen thing that they howled through, we get to pick, and itÕs been absolute ages since we rented Interview With the Vampire. 

 

Terry and Peter imitate vampires biting each other. 

 

TERRY (CONTÕD)

 

Speaking of which, Tom Cruise and that thing heÕs married to are taking my ceramics class.  I think he likes me. 

 

TYLER

 

That thing?

 

TERRY

 

Yes, you know, her.  Nicole whatÕs-her- face. 

 

TYLER

 

That is a gorgeous way to refer to a fellow human being.   I donÕt like vampire movies. 

 

ANDREW

 

Me neither.

 

PETER

 

Why not, Tyler?

 

TYLER

 

I donÕt get them.  I tried reading Anne Rice once.  I thought it was disgusting and trashy.     

 

PETER

 

Trashy?

 

TYLER

 

Oh, yeah.  There are three writers you should stop reading after high school.  Anne Rice, Ayn Rand and Herman Hesse. 

 

PETER

 

IÕve read all of Anne Rice.  And Ayn Rand and Herman Hesse.  WhatÕs wrong with them?

 

TERRY

 

Really, Tyler.  WhatÕs wrong with them?

 

TYLER

 

Nothing, really.  I mean theyÕre appropriate to a certain time in life, for that extreme self-indulgence in late adolescence.  Anyone who doesnÕt get past it, doesnÕt get over, well, self-indulgence.

 

TERRY

 

What are you talking about?

 

ANDREW

 

HeÕs right.  Ayn Rand was a capitalist who saw altruism as a weakness.

 

TYLER

 

And Hesse was some puerile mystic.

 

TERRY

 

Why donÕt we just order a pizza and watch the fucking movie. 

 

Blackout.  Lights come up as the video is ending.  Peter shuts it off, then leaps on Tyler and bites his neck.  Peter mimes biting his own wrist and pouring blood into TylerÕs mouth.

 

TYLER

 

What are you doing?

 

PETER

 

Turning you into a vampire. 

 

TYLER

 

Oh, please.

 

PETER

 

Come on, Tyler.  Which one did you identify with, Louis or Lestat? 

 

TYLER

 

I donÕt identify with either of them. 

 

ANDREW

 

What a piece of shit.  That was no movie.

 

TERRY

 

Then what was it?

 

ANDREW

 

A series of oil paintings. 

 

TYLER

 

I found it sickening. 

 

PETER

 

Sickening?

 

TYLER

 

ItÕs an evil movie.  A sympathetic portrayal of vampires?  TheyÕre predators.  They see themselves as superior and the rest of us as food.

 

TERRY

 

Tyler, itÕs just a movie.  A sexy, Hollywood movie.

 

TYLER

 

There wasnÕt a sexy thing about it. 

 

PETER

 

ItÕs an exploration of the shadow, Tyler.  You have to know the dark side and incorporate it. Otherwise it can overwhelm you. 

 

TYLER

 

I donÕt need to explore the dark side.  I live in Los Angeles.

 

TERRY

 

Tyler, as usual, you are a little too vehement in your opinions.  I suppose we should go home and let you two fuck.  Unless you donÕt want us too. 

 

ANDREW

 

Terry...

 

TERRY

 

Andrew and I were wondering...just what do you men look like when youÕre doing it?

 

ANDREW

 

LetÕs go, Terry. 

 

TERRY

 

WeÕve been wondering if you might be interested in sharing with us, in having a little four-way.

 

ANDREW

 

No, Terry.  YouÕve been wondering. 

 

TERRY

 

YouÕre not even interested in a two-way, Andrew.  ThatÕs what you get when you marry someone older, a pee-pee that just lies there like lox on a bagel. 

 

ANDREW

 

Oh really.  How about when we get out to the car, I stuff your bagel with so much cream cheese you wonÕt be able to sit down for a week. 

 

Terry happily imagines the scenario. 

 

TERRY

 

Oh no...not that.  We gotta go!  Bye-eee!

 

Andrew pushes Terry off stage.  Peter looks at Tyler.

 

PETER

 

I get scared of how strong your reaction is to that movie. 

 

TYLER

 

I get scared by your attraction to that kind of material. 

 

PETER

 

Why?

 

TYLER

 

Peter, Interview With the Vampire is no prescription for a relationship.  IÕm starting to see some parallels between that movie and us. 

 

PETER

 

Like what?

 

TYLER

 

This feeling of being dragged down into your darkness, of being your companion on some subterranean journey. 

 

PETER

 

This is who I am, Tyler.

 

TYLER

 

But why be so morose?  YouÕre the only person I know who drives around Los Angeles listening to MozartÕs Requiem.  Just what are you mourning?

 

PETER

 

DonÕt start, Tyler.

 

TYLER

 

Start what?

 

PETER

 

Dramatizing. 

 

TYLER

 

IÕm not dramatizing. 

 

PETER

 

Yes, you are.  All right...I have to put up some boundaries.

 

Peter mimes a box.

 

 

 

                                     TYLER

 

What?

 

PETER

 

Boundaries.  When I was with Tim, I let myself get dragged into all his dramas. 

 

TYLER

 

IÕm not Tim, and IÕm only trying to discuss something. 

 

PETER

 

Tyler, I donÕt want to be arguing so close to your birthday.  Okay?

 

Peter goes to hug him. 

 

TYLER

 

Okay.  What are we doing?

 

PETER

 

ItÕs a surprise.  I love you so much.  Help me to feel safe. 

 

Peter and Tyler hug.

 

ACT ONE, SCENE SEVENTEEN - FRENCH RESTAURANT

 

Tyler and Peter arrive wearing jackets at the same French restaurant. 

 

PETER (CONTÕD)

 

I thought youÕd want to come here...the restaurant where it all began. 

 

TYLER

 

Yeah, itÕs fine...itÕs just...

 

PETER

 

You donÕt like being 40.  

 

TYLER

 

I donÕt mind.  I knew enough men whoÕd have given anything to reach 40.

 

PETER

 

You donÕt like your jacket.

 

TYLER

 

No, itÕs beautiful.  ItÕs just...I was really looking forward to this evening, but when I walked into your place, you had that look.

 

PETER

 

What look?

 

TYLER

 

You know what IÕm talking about.  I can tell by how you kiss me.  When youÕre happy to see me, I get a full on tongue-suck.  When you arenÕt, I get a dry peck on the lips. 

 

The waiter arrives and makes a face at the word Ôtongue-suck.Õ  He decides heÕll come back. 

 

PETER

 

Last night, I had a dream.

 

TYLER

 

Oh, another dream. 

 

PETER

 

I was riding my bicycle when this truck came by and hit me.  I was sprawled and bleeding on the sidewalk when the truck driver stepped out -- it was you.  Later, you sold my corpse to Oscar Meyer and they made Vienna sausages out of me.  Then you inserted them into the rectums of the San Diego Padres (Chicago Cubs etc.).  IÕm not ready for this. 

 

The waiter returns.  He hears the word rectums, grimacing as he leaves again. 

 

TYLER

 

Ready for what?

 

PETER

 

This relationship.

 

TYLER

 

Why not?

 

PETER

 

IÕm scared.

 

TYLER

 

Of me?  You think IÕm going to hit you?

 

PETER

 

No, youÕre very sweet.  This is just who I am. 

 

TYLER

 

Who you are?

 

PETER

 

I have fear issues.  IÕm afraid. 

 

TYLER

 

Of what?

 

PETER

 

Of intimacy.  Of losing myself.  I did it when I fell in love with Tim.  My mother didnÕt get what she wanted from my father, so she turned me into her pseudo-husband.  On Saturdays, she made me take cha cha lessons with her and then we had to perform in front of her bridge club...one, two, cha cha cha!  It was so humiliating!  Sometimes she made me give her fashion advice!  ÒPeter, should I wear this belted?Ó  It was like emotional rape.  I had no choice but to become her appendage.  When I didnÕt comply with her, she shut me out. The reason I listen to MozartÕs Requiem is because I am in mourning. 

 

TYLER

 

Mourning for who?

 

PETER

 

My lost inner child.  You donÕt know, Tyler.  I might seem like someone with a strong identity, but I have had to work at it. 

 

TYLER

 

Peter, youÕre different than me.  I wouldnÕt have it any other way. 

 

PETER

 

But that scares me. 

 

TYLER

 

What does?

 

PETER

 

That youÕre so accepting.  You love me unconditionally.

 

TYLER

 

This is starting to make me crazy.  If I was trying to change you, youÕd be scared.  That I accept you for who you are makes you scared.  YouÕve told me you missed the perfect mirror of your motherÕs eyes, now youÕre saying she smothered you into oblivion. 

 

PETER

 

I know.  My wound is a horrible paradox. 

 

TYLER

 

Are you associating me with your mother?

 

PETER

 

I canÕt help it. 

 

TYLER

 

This is all just facsinating.  I used to be KyleÕs father, now IÕm your mother.  Tell me something.  Does your mother play first base?  Has she read all of Edith Wharton?  Does she like Ingmar Bergman, Nepalese tanka paintings and Joni Mitchell?

 

PETER

 

Of course not.

 

TYLER

 

Does your mother have a nice juicy dick?

 

The waiter comes back at the words Òjuicy dickÓ and freezes.  He stares at Tyler, then Peter, before backing away.

 

PETER

 

DonÕt be crude.

 

TYLER

 

How can you associate me with her?

 

PETER

 

I canÕt help it. 

 

TYLER

 

Yes, you can.  LetÕs resolve this now.  Are you more afraid of losing me or in being with me?

 

PETER

 

In being with you.  Definitely.

 

TYLER

 

You know, I get the feeling youÕre trying to hurt me. 

 

PETER

 

IÕm not, Tyler.  Should we get some champagne? 

 

TYLER

 

Get anything you want, because I am leaving.

 

PETER

 

Tyler, itÕs your birthday. 

 

TYLER

 

It doesnÕt seem like my birthday.  Birthdays are supposed to be celebrated, and strangely, my idea of celebrating is not concentrating on your neuroses. 

 

Tyler leaves the jacket, readies to walk.

 

PETER

 

Tyler, wait...I got tickets for...

 

TYLER

 

Tell me how it was.  About a year or so from now. 

 

PETER

 

You forgot your jacket. 

 

TYLER

 

I donÕt want it.  I donÕt want anything youÕre clearly so reluctant to give. 

 

ACT ONE, SCENE EIGHTEEN - TYLERÕS APARTMENT

 

Tyler frets on the couch when someone knocks at the door. 

 

KYLE

 

Happy Birthday, Tyler. 

 

TYLER

 

Kyle!

 

Tyler unwraps a present from Kyle. 

 

TYLER (CONTÕD)

 

A Swiss knife. 

 

KYLE

 

DidnÕt you say you and Peter go on camping trips?

 

TYLER

 

Yeah, we do.  This is so sweet of you. 

 

KYLE

 

ItÕs just a little something. 

 

TYLER

 

No, itÕs a big something.  How the fuck are you?

 

KYLE

 

Oh, all right.  What am I saying?  IÕm sad and lonely and sometimes I canÕt get out of bed in the morning. 

 

TYLER

 

Oh...

 

KYLE

 

I hurt you, Tyler.  IÕm really sorry. 

 

TYLER

 

IÕm sorry, too.  Listen, I hate to see you so sad.  You want to go to a movie or something?  Some funny movie?

 

KYLE

 

Yeah, thatÕd be good.  I miss you, boy.

 

TYLER

 

I miss you too.  Tell me the truth.  For the most part, werenÕt you happy with me? 

 

KYLE

 

Of course I was. 

 

TYLER

 

So...whyÕd you leave me?

 

KYLE

 

I didnÕt leave you.  I ran away from home.  When you get back, you expect Dad to be there.  You were my hero, Tyler.  I wanted you to save me and that was wrong. 

 

TYLER

 

And you werenÕt always fucking around on me?

 

KYLE

 

Not for ten, well, nine whole years.  You could always tell when I was. 

 

TYLER

 

Were you ever afraid of me?

 

KYLE

 

Well...you have a temper. 

 

TYLER

 

No, I mean, did you ever get too close to me then feel like you were losing yourself?

 

KYLE

 

Of course not.  But I didnÕt feel like I could always be myself.  You always freaked anytime I got my nipple pierced or a new piece of leather. 

 

TYLER

 

Kyle, I didnÕt care what you wore.  ItÕs just that anytime you got something like a nipple ring, you had to find someone else who had one.  Then you had to go home with him and drop your pants to see what else you had in common. 

 

KYLE

 

Maybe.  I had a hard time being faithful. 

 

TYLER

 

Then we shouldnÕt have been together. 

 

KYLE

 

Tyler, IÕm glad we were.  Everyone used to envy us.  And they should have. 

 

Tyler is warmed, pauses. 

 

TYLER

 

Hey, howÕs that English boyfriend of yours?

 

KYLE

 

Okay.  I miss him. 

 

TYLER

 

Does he have bad teeth and a pasty complexion?

 

KYLE

 

No!  He goes to a tanning booth. 

 

TYLER

 

You tell him to come visit you or IÕm gonna fly over there and beat him up. 

 

KYLE

 

Tyler...

 

TYLER

 

What?

 

KYLE

 

Come here.

 

Kyle hugs Tyler, kisses him. 

 

KYLE (CONTÕD)

 

I should go. 

 

TYLER

 

Uh, yeah...

 

The two walk away, then turn and look at each other.  They run, hug and kiss passionately when Tyler pushes Kyle away.

 

TYLER (CONTÕD)

 

Kyle, no!

 

 

BLACK OUT

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

ACT TWO

 

ACT TWO, SCENE ONE - DR. BANYONÕS OFFICE

 

Tyler faces Dr. Banyon.

 

TYLER (CONTÕD)

 

This is the stupidest mistake I ever made.  I shouldnÕt have gotten involved so soon. 

 

DR. BANYON

 

Perhaps.  But you may have been lucky and found someone with whom you have a genuine compatibility. 

 

TYLER

 

But Peter is fucking impossible.  One weekend heÕs giving me the worldÕs greatest blowjobs and sleeps wrapped around me all night.  He asks leading questions about whether I like Spanish Mission furniture and cocker spaniels.  The next day I call him and he sounds like some guy at the bank who regrets having to turn down my loan application. 

 

DR. BANYON

 

This is a fairly typical pattern.

 

TYLER

 

It is?

 

DR. BANYON

 

Certainly.  As Peter becomes more intimate with you, the extremes between intimacy and separation are more polarized.  My suspicions are that Peter is like a lot of gay men, who as children, were smothered by devouring mothers whose own desires went unmet by their husbands.  These mothers prey on their gay sons, knowing they can mirror them, and turn them into false husbands.  The end result is an emotional rape, an obliteration of self. 

 

TYLER

 

That is exactly what he told me.

 

DR. BANYON

 

Well, that is a very scary place for Peter to have come from.  He was merged with his mother, and by merging, I mean something very negative.  PeterÕs fear is an indication of how much he loves you. 

 

TYLER

 

It feels like rejection. 

 

DR. BANYON

 

ItÕs important for us to discover why you feel that way.  My suspicion is that one or both of your parents rejected you, and with Peter, youÕre trying to resolve that issue.

 

TYLER

 

Oh.  I read that book. 

 

Dr. Banyon swells with anticipation.

 

TYLER (CONTÕD)

 

The Parents Within Your Partner.

 

DR. BANYON

 

ItÕs something IÕve written about in my own book, Men in Love With Men. 

 

Tyler blinks.  An awkward pause.

 

TYLER

 

You know, I just remembered where I met you.  You used to live in New York. 

 

DR. BANYON

 

Yes, I did.

 

TYLER

 

You used to dated my room mate, Lyndon Steinmetz.  I remember you had just published Men In Love With Men. 

 

This does not make Banyon comfortable. 

 

DR. BANYON

 

Oh really, I donÕt remember a Lyndon.  Tell me, which parent does Peter remind you of?

 

TYLER

 

My father.  He has dark (light) hair like him.  And my father is a loner, like Peter.  Socially awkward, aloof. 

 

DR. BANYON

 

And what was your relationship with your father like?

 

TYLER

 

He used to whip me with his belt.  Left bruises all over me.  IÕd watch them turn from black and blue to a sickly yellow.  For years I had so much anger.  He abused me or ignored me.  I made the decision to father myself -- one of the best decisions I ever made. 

 

DR. BANYON

 

And youÕve done a good job.  Too good of a job.  ThatÕs why men like Peter and Kyle sniff you out.  They want to annex your strength.  Both you and Peter are working out your parent issues, which is what a relationship is about.  ItÕs not about being happy. 

 

TYLER

 

It isnÕt?

 

DR. BANYON

 

Of course not.

 

TYLER

 

I was happy with Kyle. 

 

DR. BANYON

 

If youÕre entertaining ideas about running back to Kyle, youÕre running away from the real challenge.  Peter is playing out his pathology, and youÕre playing out yours. 

 

TYLER

 

My pathology? 

 

DR. BANYON

 

Yes.  YouÕre trying to merge with him and that makes you equally pathological. 

 

TYLER

 

Should I break up with him?

 

DR. BANYON

 

Let me suggest that if you do, you will repeat the same pattern with someone else.  When Peter tells you heÕs afraid, heÕs being as intimate as he possibly can. 

 

TYLER

 

What am I supposed to do?

 

DR. BANYON

 

Acknowledge his fear.  Let him know you wonÕt run away.

 

TYLER

 

I told him I was scared once.

 

DR. BANYON

 

How did he respond?

 

TYLER

 

He hugged me and said, ÒItÕs all right to be scared.Ó

 

DR. BANYON

 

That might be what heÕd like to hear from you.

 

Banyon rolls off in his chair.  The Clack boy thrusts a mirror and the journal into TylerÕs hands.

 

TYLER

 

Dear journal.  All these years IÕve seen myself as one of the stable gay men who could make a relationship work, who could commit and love deeply.  Dr.Banyon views me as pathological and devouring, out to dissolve the personalities of my lovers in my neediness.  If anything, since therapy, IÕve dissolved myself in Peter in an attempt to understand his identity crisis.  Who are we?

 

ACT TWO, SCENE TWO - CHRISTMAS TREE LOT

 

Tyler and Peter shop for a tree.

 

TYLER (CONTÕD)

 

I finally figured out where I met my shrink.

 

PETER

 

Where?

 

TYLER

 

He dated one of my room mates in New York.   He always seemed so frightened.  ThatÕs probably why he understands your fear, Peter.  I just feed him a few lines and he fills in the rest. 

 

PETER

 

IÕm sure IÕm not the first person heÕs  heard of who had fear issues. 

 

TYLER

 

Do you see a tree you like?

 

PETER

 

That Douglas Fir is nice.  I need to tell you though...this scares me. 

 

TYLER

 

What does?

 

PETER

 

Getting a Christmas tree.  You know...itÕs an intimate thing that couples do. 

 

TYLER

 

Peter -- itÕs all right to be scared. 

 

Peter throws himself into TylerÕs arms, then breaks away. 

 

PETER

 

Thank you.

 

Peter hugs Tyler a second time.

 

TYLER

 

IÕve almost been looking forward to this moment.  I really wanted to say that.

 

PETER

 

Did I tell you I ended my therapy?

 

TYLER

 

No. Your psychological therapy? 

 

PETER

 

Yes.

 

TYLER

 

Why?

 

PETER

 

I was ready to do it.  IÕm going to miss Samantha.  I fought for years to get what I wanted from her. 

 

TYLER

 

What was that?

 

PETER

 

I donÕt know.  That unnameable it.

 

TYLER

 

Unnameable it?  Why canÕt you put a name to it?

 

PETER

 

Because I donÕt know what it is, except that I couldnÕt get it from her.  ItÕs that same thing I canÕt always get from you. 

 

TYLER

 

Christ.  My heart is pounding.

 

PETER

 

WhatÕs the matter?

 

TYLER

 

I liked when you were in therapy.  You were good for at a least a couple of days after seeing her. 

 

PETER

 

Good?

 

TYLER

 

Unafraid.  Able to relate to me.

 

PETER

 

ItÕs okay, Tyler.  IÕm ready to do this.

 

TYLER

 

I canÕt breathe.

 

PETER

 

Are you scared?  

 

TYLER

 

Yes.

 

PETER

 

Come here.  ItÕs all right to be scared. 

 

Tyler and Peter hug.

 

ACT TWO, SCENE THREE - AN ITALIAN RESTAURANT

 

A romantic dinner.  Peter gives a present to Tyler.

 

PETER (CONTÕD)

 

HereÕs mine.  Happy ValentineÕs Day.

 

Tyler pulls a Hawaiian shirt from a gift bag. 

 

TYLER

 

A Hawaiian shirt?

 

PETER

 

To wear in Hawaii.  We talked about going.  Your vacationÕs coming up, isnÕt it?

 

TYLER

 

Yeah, in June.  Hawaii?

 

PETER

 

IÕd like us to go, Tyler.  If you want to.

 

TYLER

 

I do.  IÕve always wanted to surf.   HereÕs mine.

 

Tyler hands Peter a small box.  He looks inside and gulps.

 

PETER

 

ItÕs a ring. 

 

TYLER

 

ItÕs a clannagh ring.  From Ireland.  It means, well, it could mean friendship.  It could mean an engagement.  It means whatever the giver wants it to mean. 

 

PETER

 

WhatÕs it mean to you?

 

TYLER

 

It means I love you.  I think whatever apprehensions weÕve had about each other have disappeared.  IÕve been so happy with you lately, I know that sometime in the future, IÕd like to live with you.

 

PeterÕs face falls.  He freaks.

 

TYLER (CONTÕD)

 

Uh oh.

 

PETER

 

ItÕs too small, Tyler.

 

TYLER

 

You havenÕt even tried it on.  WhatÕs wrong?

 

PETER

 

IÕm scared. 

 

TYLER

 

Oh.  ItÕs all right to be scared.  Why are you scared?

 

PETER

 

You just asked me to move in.

 

TYLER

 

No, I didnÕt.  I told you that sometime in the future IÕd like to live with you.

 

PETER

 

Oh, God, IÕm really frightened!

 

TYLER

 

IÕm not talking about next weekend.

 

PETER

 

I canÕt wear an engagement ring.

 

TYLER

 

ItÕs not an engagement ring.

 

PETER

 

Then what is it?  Tyler, I love you, but I donÕt think I can get what I want from you.

 

TYLER

 

What else do you want from me?

 

PETER

 

I donÕt know, that unnameable it.  I canÕt take an engagement ring. 

 

TYLER

 

It is not an engagement ring.

 

PETER

 

Then what does it symbolize?

 

TYLER

 

It means whatever you want.  If you want it can symbolize this pathetic, fucked up relationship.   Check please!

 

ACT TWO, SCENE FOUR - GOLDÕS GYM LOCKER ROOM

 

Tyler arrives.  Getting dressed on the bench is TIM BREGOFF.  Throughout the scene, Tim seems very interested in both Tyler and the dressing mirror.    

 

TIM

 

Oh, sorry.  Let me give you some room here.  Tyler?

 

TYLER

 

Yeah?

 

TIM

 

Tim Bregoff.  Dr. Bregoff now.

 

TYLER

 

Right, Tim.  Tim!  DidnÕt know you worked out here.  Uh, nice belt. 

 

TIM

 

Thank you.  I just bought it. 

 

TYLER

 

That must make thirty one. 

 

TIM

 

What?

 

TYLER

 

Nothing.  HavenÕt seen you at any of AndrewÕs parties in a while.

 

TIM

 

No.  Had to get away.  I moved to San Francisco to get my doctorate.  You must have heard. 

 

TYLER

 

Heard what?

 

TIM

 

I called it quits with Peter.  Almost two years ago. 

 

TYLER

 

You broke up with him?

 

TIM

 

Yes.  I had to leave. 

 

TYLER

 

Oh.  I guess you didnÕt hear about ... about me and ...

 

TIM

 

You and Kyle?

 

TYLER

 

Uh, yeah...I broke up with Kyle. 

 

TIM

 

IÕm so sorry.

 

TYLER

 

So you broke up with Peter -- not the other way around. 

 

TIM

 

Oh yes.  I had to be decisive.  He wanted a permanent state of not being committed.  I had to start looking after myself -- it was just too draining.  I shouldnÕt divulge too much, but he has this intimacy conflict.  He runs from it, but he wants to be caught, only to run again.  I canÕt even be in the same room with him.  He baits the hook, reels me in, then throws me back.  I was starting to feel like a trout or something, one too small too keep. 

 

TYLER

 

That must have been real crazy making.

 

TIM

 

You have no idea.

 

TYLER

 

Actually, I think I do.

 

TIM

 

IÕll tell you, Tyler, it was a very liberating step for me to owe up to my codependency.

 

TYLER

 

Codependency.  I keep hearing this word, and IÕm still not sure what it means.

 

TIM

 

Oh, itÕs a catch all phrase thatÕs often abused, but itÕs generally described in my profession as sticking it out with someone who is addicted to a substance or a self-defeating behavior.  I went to a few CODA meetings, read the literature. 

 

TYLER

 

CODA?

 

TIM

 

Codependents Anonymous.  To thine own self be true.  Right from the beginning I suspected Peter had a narcissistic personality disorder. 

 

TYLER

 

A what?

 

TIM

 

N - P - D.  Never date a narcissist -- theyÕre predators, Tyler, sadists.  You know youÕre dating one when he has a lot of mirrors.  Problem is, theyÕre like vampires...they have no real reflection.  They keep staring in the looking glass, hoping someday to see themselves.  One gets so tired of being the parent in a relationship all the time.  Peter battled me to control him, and for so long I indulged him.  My poor, poor gingerbread boy, running away from his mother, yet dying to be caught and devoured.  He was such a mess when I met him.  DidnÕt know how to walk, talk or dress, how to order in a restaurant or talk about wine. 

 

TYLER

 

Oh?  How do you talk about wine?

 

TIM

 

Well, if you know nothing about it, talk about it like itÕs a person.  A white wine is always winsome.  And speaking of belts, you should have seen the ratty thing he was wearing.  He was such an aesthetic when I met him -- owned about three pieces of furniture.

 

TYLER

 

Ascetic.

 

TIM

 

ThatÕs what I said.

 

TYLER

 

No.  You said aesthetic.

 

TIM

 

Whatever.  IÕve often wondered who heÕs torturing now.  God, itÕs so hot in this locker room.  IÕm canceling my membership if they canÕt do something about it.  And this carpet!  Look at what a shabby gym this is becoming.  Damn it, I lost a button.  You pay four hundred dollars for a shirt and the buttons just fly off?  Maybe itÕs the fault of the dry cleaners, those schmucks.  They never get things quite clean, and for what they charge?  Do you know a good dry cleaner?

 

TYLER

 

No.  I donÕt.

 

TIM

 

Well, IÕm off to pick up my new car.

 

TYLER

 

Oh yeah?

 

TIM

 

Yes.  Traded in the Beamer for a Lexus. ItÕs in the shop right now.  ItÕs got this rattle in the engine they canÕt seem to fix.  They pretend they canÕt even hear it.  Tyler, I was wondering...

 

TYLER

 

Yeah?

 

TIM

 

IÕve always thought you were a very attractive man.  Would you like to have dinner sometime? 

 

TYLER

 

IÕm flattered, really, but IÕm kind of seeing someone right now. 

 

TIM

 

Take my card if it doesnÕt work out.  Of course, I...I hope it does. 

 

TYLER

 

I hope so too.  Uh, donÕt take this the wrong way, but ... can I hug you?

 

TIM

 

Here?  Why?

 

TYLER

 

I canÕt explain it, but I want you to know you arenÕt alone.  What happened with you and Peter, I completely understand, you poor baby.

 

Tyler and Tim hug.  TimÕs hand lowers to TylerÕs butt before they break away.

 

ACT TWO, SCENE FIVE - A CHURCH MEETING ROOM

 

Tyler sits at a CODA meeting with RICK, BOB and SANDY

 

RICK

 

IÕm Rick, and IÕm codependent.

 

CHORUS

 

Hi Rick. 

 

RICK

 

My ex-lover broke into my apartment again.  I walked in on him, going through my drawers and looking for money.  I asked him to leave.  He gave me a black eye and then he raped me.  Twice ... the second time after I made him breakfast.

 

SANDY

 

IÕm Sandy, codependent.

 

CHORUS

 

Hi Sandy.

 

SANDY

 

IÕve been seeing this woman.  SheÕs beautiful, inside and out.  Unlike my last lover, she doesnÕt drink or do drugs.  She has a good job, she cheers me at my softball games.  SheÕs always there for me and puts up with my shit.  I keep wanting to break up with her -- IÕm so bored. 

 

 

                                     BOB

 

IÕm Bob and IÕm codependent.

 

CHORUS

 

Hi Bob.

 

BOB 

 

Even though IÕm broke, my boyfriend asked me to buy him a truck for his birthday, which I did.  The next day he loads up all my stuff and drives off.  IÕm starting to think heÕs not coming back. 

 

TYLER

 

IÕm Tyler.  I think IÕm codependent.

 

CHORUS

 

Hi Tyler.

 

TYLER

 

I lived with a man for thirteen years who was cross addicted.  Now IÕm with a guy who has me on a yo-yo.  He pushes me away, pulls me back, then tells me itÕs coming to an end.  He says he loses his identity when weÕre together.  IÕm codependent to a codependent. 

 

CHORUS

 

(as if to express ÒthatÕs a new oneÓ)

 

Ohhhhhh....

 

ACT TWO, SCENE SIX - DR. BANYONÕS OFFICE

 

DR. BANYON

 

Tyler, youÕre not codependent.  CODA meetings are for people who are really damaged.  PeterÕs gotten too close and needs to break away. 

 

TYLER

 

No.  We havenÕt been close at all. 

 

DR. BANYON

 

Intimacy is not just an ooey-gooey, lovey-dovey experience.  People can feel very close when theyÕre fighting. 

 

TYLER

 

WhatÕs in that for me?  This fucking Òfear thingÓ is his way of controlling me.  Every logical part of me says heÕs too self-absorbed, too judgemental, too fucked up. 

 

Banyon gets angry.  Tyler has somehow stung him. 

 

DR. BANYON

 

Let me suggest that whatever you are accusing Peter of is true about yourself.

 

TYLER

 

What?

 

DR. BANYON

 

YouÕre the one whoÕs running from intimacy.  YouÕre the one whoÕs a narcissist. 

 

TYLER

 

I am?

 

DR. BANYON

 

Yes.  And youÕre the one whoÕs being judgemental when you make decisions about him being too fucked up. 

 

TYLER

 

Alan, I canÕt be with someone who wants me to hunt him down. 

 

DR. BANYON

 

You shouldnÕt love Peter to get love back.  You donÕt love chocolate because it loves you, you love it because it tastes good.  Peter is retreating because youÕre trying to merge with him.

 

TYLER

 

Why donÕt you accuse Peter of merging with me?  My mother encouraged my independence.

 

DR. BANYON

 

Tyler, you may be so enmeshed with your mother you donÕt even know it, especially if your father rejected you.  See what happens when you separate from Peter, whatÕs called Òsetting down boundariesÓ.  Just remember, Peter isnÕt battling you...

 

TYLER & DR. BANYON

 

...heÕs battling his mother. 

 

ACT TWO, SCENE SEVEN - TYLERÕS APARTMENT

 

Tyler finishes dressing, is happily whistling.  Peter enters. 

 

TYLER

 

Hey, buddy.  IÕll be right with you.  Andrew and Terry are running late and are going to meet us at the theater.  How are you?

 

PETER

 

Not good.

 

TYLER

 

Feeling scared? 

 

PETER

 

Yeah.  And depressed about our relationship. 

 

TYLER

 

Well, IÕm in a good mood myself.

 

PETER

 

You are?

 

TYLER

 

Yep.  LifeÕs too short to be dragged down by doubts and depression all the time.  IÕm sorry youÕre not feeling well, but you know what, Peter, itÕs okay.

 

PETER

 

It is?

 

TYLER

 

I know that whatever youÕre feeling has nothing to do with the real me, itÕs got to do with your mother complex.  Right?

 

PETER

 

Yeah...I noticed youÕve been distant lately.  YouÕve learned to put up boundaries. 

 

TYLER

 

Yeah, and I hate doing it.  ItÕs like a game.

 

PETER

 

It is a game.  And I canÕt help but play it. 

 

TYLER

 

Well, you can if you wanted to.  You have a choice between...uh oh.  There I go, trying to fix you and thatÕs not my job. 

 

Peter does not like this development. 

 

PETER

 

You want me to drive?

 

TYLER

 

No, you donÕt have to go.

 

PETER

 

No, I want to go.

 

TYLER

 

You said you were scared.

 

PETER

 

Yeah, but...

 

TYLER

 

IÕd rather you didnÕt go if you arenÕt going to be any fun.  IÕm disappointed, but as we say in CODA meetings, IÕm responsible for my own good time.  Any time you feel like youÕre losing your identity, you just let me know, okay?

 

PETER

 

Okay. 

 

TYLER

 

I love you.

 

PETER

 

Oh, Tyler, I love you too. 

 

Peter goes to hug and kiss Tyler when Tyler blocks him from getting closer.

 

TYLER

 

Okay, bye-bye now. 

 

Taking a final look at Tyler, Peter looks like a cobra ready to strike.

 

PETER

 

In the next few weeks, weÕre going to see just how codependent you are. 

 

ACT TWO, SCENE EIGHT - TYLERÕS APARTMENT

 

Tyler and Kyle play scrabble.

 

TYLER

 

Parbreak.  ThatÕs 17 plus double word score.  34. 

 

KYLE

 

What does parbreak mean?

 

TYLER

 

To throw up.

 

KYLE

 

To throw up?

 

TYLER

 

Yeah.  To vomit. 

 

KYLE

 

Fine.  IÕll use the ÔkÕ to spell kamitus.

 

TYLER

 

What does kamitus mean?

 

KYLE

 

It means having shapely buttocks.

 

TYLER

 

Gimme that dictionary. 

 

The phone rings. 

 

TYLER (CONTÕD)

 

Hey, Peter.  HowÕve you been?

 

(a pause)

 

Well, IÕm sorry youÕre scared.  No, nothingÕs wrong.  ItÕs been your turn to call, and when you didnÕt, I just figured you needed some separation.

 

(pause)

 

IÕm playing a little Scrabble with Kyle.  Beating the pants off him.  No, his pants arenÕt literally off.  Okay.  Okay.  GÕnight. 

 

Tyler hangs up.

 

KYLE

 

Is everything okay between you guys?

 

TYLER

 

He wonÕt say it, but heÕs jealous youÕre over here.  IÕm sick of the fact that all we ever do any more is work on our relationship.  WeÕre talking about seeing DÕAgostino.

 

KYLE

 

Oh...really.

 

TYLER

 

What do you mean, ÒreallyÓ. 

 

KYLE

 

Nothing.  ItÕs just that DÕAgostino works out at the Sporting Club and...

 

TYLER

 

DÕAgostino works out at that sleazy gym? Okay.  Just because he works out there doesnÕt mean he fools around. 

 

KYLE

 

Yes, he does.

 

TYLER

 

You saw him?

 

KYLE

 

I uh...I felt him. 

 

TYLER

 

Well that is just fan-fucking-tastic.  Does he have a nice dick?  I heard his butt is kamitus. 

 

KYLE

 

How often do you and Peter see each other?

 

TYLER

 

Less and less.  Usually just weekends.

 

KYLE

 

And you donÕt talk everyday?

 

TYLER

 

Not lately.  By distancing myself, IÕm attempting to ignite his latent self-parenting instincts.

 

KYLE

 

I think I follow.  HowÕs it working?

 

TYLER

 

ItÕs not.  HeÕs indulging in passive-aggressive retribution.  Mostly he gets depressed.

 

KYLE

 

Why are you so attracted to him?

 

TYLER

 

I think because I never really mourned the end of my relationship with you, IÕve unconsciously sought out my own disowned depression. 

 

KYLE

 

Tyler, can I tell you something?  Ever since youÕve been seeing this guy, youÕre whole conversation is loaded with so much fucking psycho-babble, I want to parbreak.

 

TYLER

 

Oh, sorry.  I know. 

 

Tyler is handed books by the Clack Boy. 

 

TYLER (CONTÕD)

 

Since IÕve been seeing Peter, weÕre attempting to get Beyond Codependency, trying to Heal the Shame That Binds Us, and learning the Dances of Intimacy, Anger and Deception so we can Let Go of Our Fear to Get the Love We Want.   IÕll tell you whatÕs codependent is me reading all this shit to try and figure him out. 

 

KYLE

 

You arenÕt happy with him. 

 

TYLER

 

IÕm not.  I want to scream at him, tell him IÕm getting out, tell him heÕs a sadist who treats me like shit.

 

KYLE

 

Why donÕt you?

 

TYLER

 

IÕm going with my shrinkÕs advice.  In the meantime, IÕve been broadening all my friendships.  I ... I started playing ball again.  And itÕs nice spending time with you, Kyle, I...

 

KYLE

 

When did you stop playing ball?

 

TYLER

 

When I met Peter.  He lead me to believe it was declasseÕ. 

 

KYLE

 

Is his family rich?

 

TYLER

 

No.  YouÕd think he was from some family who sent him to private school, but his parents are wrong-side-of-the-tracks types.  At Christmas, they send him beef logs and processed cheese from Hickory Farms. 

 

KYLE

 

What are you so pissed about?

 

TYLER

 

I was happy with him.  Now I have to find my own good time when he takes exits.

 

KYLE

 

IÕm gonna parbreak...

 

TYLER

 

Sorry. 

 

KYLE

 

Tyler, when are you going to look after yourself?

 

TYLER

 

What?

 

KYLE

 

When are you going to stop taking in strays?  How many dogs and cats did you rescue while we lived together?  Why did you stop writing to feed people with AIDS?  When youÕve got debts, why do you send money to some child in Bangla Desh?

 

ACT TWO, SCENE NINE

 

Tyler and Peter wait to check their luggage wearing identical Hawaiian shirts.

 

PETER

 

Sometimes I just feel dead in this relationship.

 

KYLE

 

Dead.

 

PETER

 

Yeah.  Like we just donÕt connect.  Other times I get overwhelmed by fantasies about other men.  I have to admit something.  I met this man at a junket last week and ever since, I havenÕt been able to get him out of my mind.  I feel like heÕs someone I wouldnÕt feel scared around. 

 

PUBLIC ADDRESS SYSTEM

 

Abandonment issues...abandonment issues...

 

TYLER

 

I feel like youÕre trying to bait me.  

 

PETER

 

And I feel like youÕre undefined, that you arenÕt as strong as IÕd hoped. 

 

TYLER

 

I feel that youÕre coming unhinged, in hopes that IÕll take control of you.  As soon as I do, youÕll hate me for being controlling.  I feel...

 

A VOICE from off stage shouts ÒNextÓ.  Tyler slumps, looks completely drained, defeated. 

 

TYLER (CONTÕD)

 

What kind of conversation is this to be having before a vacation?   I  canÕt do this anymore.

 

PETER

 

What?

 

TYLER

 

This daily bullshit with you.  You donÕt want a warm, peaceful bond, do you?  You want the excitement of tearing apart and coming back together.  ThatÕs what the rules of this game are -- thatÕs what the unnameable ÒitÓ is, right?

 

A pause. 

 

TYLER (CONTÕD)

 

IÕm asking you a question. 

 

PETER

 

Um...sort of.

 

TYLER

 

Christ all mighty, why didnÕt I see it until now?  YouÕre a god damned drama queen!

 

PETER

 

Like you donÕt love drama?

 

TYLER

 

I like comedy.  Endings where everyone gets married.  Happily ever after.  Happy, happy, happy.  ThatÕs what I believe in. 

 

PETER

 

Life is pain, Tyler.

 

TYLER

 

It doesnÕt have to be, Peter...itÕs...

 

Tyler lets out a sigh as big as a hurricane. 

 

TYLER (CONTÕD)

 

IÕm giving you your ticket.  IÕm going to see if I can get a refund on mine. 

 

PETER

 

Why?

 

TYLER

 

IÕm not going.  IÕm sorry if this triggers your abandonment issues, but youÕve been exploiting mine for the last year.  Until you get over this ... this neurotic addiction to pain, you are not going to be ready for a relationship. 

 

PETER

 

(stunned)

 

Neurotic addiction to ...

 

TYLER

 

I want to do this in the nicest way possible. 

 

PETER

 

So do I.  When I get back, we need to exchange a few things.  YouÕve got some of my clothes.  IÕve got your waffle iron and your keys. 

 

TYLER

 

Funny how I never had your keys. 

 

PETER

 

Tyler, part of it is that we donÕt see eye to eye spiritually.  You donÕt believe in God, so you place all your demands on human beings.  I am really sorry to do this. 

 

TYLER

 

Do what?

 

PETER

 

Break up with you.

 

TYLER

 

YouÕre not breaking up with me.  IÕm breaking up with you.

 

PETER

 

Tyler, IÕve been talking about it for some time.

 

TYLER

 

You donÕt want to look like you got dumped again.

 

PETER

 

DonÕt be mean spirited.  WeÕll get together when I get back and put some closure on this.

 

TYLER

 

This is closure.  Just send me my stuff. 

 

PETER

 

Your waffle iron?  ThatÕs pretty bulky.

 

TYLER

 

ThatÕs your problem, isnÕt it?

 

Tyler tries to walk away when Peter calls him back.

 

PETER

 

Tyler, let me just say that through out this whole thing, youÕve been great. 

 

Tyler turns.

 

PETER (CONTÕD)

 

I learned so much about myself, really.  I see this as a very successful experiment. 

 

TYLER

 

An experiment?  Through out this whole thing IÕve been great?  I mean, ÒgreatÓ is what you tell someone whoÕs just been in a play.

 

PETER

 

I know IÕm not the easiest person to be in love with, but you have to see your part in it.  I knew when IÕd met you that IÕd found a door mat. 

 

TYLER

 

A door mat.

 

PETER

 

You play the victim, Tyler.

 

TYLER

 

The victim.

 

PETER

 

Yes.  If I didnÕt exploit you, somebody else would have.

 

TYLER

 

So you were just giving me what you think I asked for.

 

Peter shrugs.

 

TYLER (CONTÕD)

 

ItÕs strange, Peter.  IÕve never felt as close to you as I do now.  IÕm scared!  One more homosexual hurtling off into middle age on his own.  

 

PETER

 

I knew thatÕs how you felt underneath all your strength.  And that neediness always scared me.  Who knows, Tyler.  Maybe when you get a handle on that, we might have a future. 

 

TYLER

 

No.  No future. 

 

PETER

 

Then fuck you!

 

Tyler exits.  Peter waits for him to go, then his facade gives way to sobbing. 

 

ACT TWO, SCENE TEN - DR. BANYONÕS OFFICE

 

Tyler is waiting for Dr. Banyon when he arrives, sweaty and angry looking. 

 

DR. BANYON

 

Sorry IÕm late, Tyler, but sometimes psychologists have their own fights with lovers.

 

TYLER

 

Oh.  IÕm sorry.  How long have you and Gilbert lived together?

 

DR. BANYON

 

We donÕt live together.  IÕve never been interested in that. 

 

A pause. 

 

TYLER

 

Oh really.  Is Gilbert interested in that?

 

DR. BANYON

 

Oh, heÕll tell you he is, but he fell in love with someone who isnÕt. 

 

TYLER

 

Does your lack of interest in living with someone reflect an inability to truly be intimate?

 

DR. BANYON

 

No, Tyler.  The desire to live with someone can be just as pathological as the desire to live alone.  Gilbert and I have loved each other for sixteen years.  For four of those years we didnÕt talk at all, but the love never died.  ThatÕs why you can be hopeful that things could work out with Peter. 

 

TYLER

 

You didnÕt talk for four years?

 

Banyon leaves his chair to pace. 

DR. BANYON

We needed that time apart to grow, okay?  Some of our conflicts are similar to yours and Peters. When Gilbert rebuffs me sexually, I have to remember that heÕs really rebuffing his daddy.  And what I feel has more to do with the rejections of my own father. 

TYLER

Interesting.  You havenÕt resolved this after 16 years. 

Tyler, striking one of BanyonÕs poses, sits in his rolling chair.  Banyon notices, motions Tyler to take the clientÕs chair. 

DR. BANYON

It never resolves itself.  Those issues will be played out for as long as weÕre together.  This is your session, though.  ItÕs been a week since you broke up with Peter.  How are you feeling?

Tyler pauses.  HeÕs looking at Banyon with new eyes. 

TYLER

IÕm anxious.  I masturbate up to four times a day.

Banyon fantasizes for a moment.

DR. BANYON

Impressive.  Who do you think about?

TYLER

Peter.  I think about fucking him.  On all fours, so hard and fast heÕll stay fucked for the next year. 

DR. BANYON

Goooooood!

TYLER

Good?  Why?

DR. BANYON

Why?  Uh, because...well...because your energies arenÕt being diverted elsewhere.  You might try something that I do which is to re-enact your feelings with what I call a drama play set.  Go to the toy store and find some action figures that look like the people you have issues with.  Those Star Wars ones are great.  You could get a Han Solo doll and that could be you, and Peter could be Luke Skywalker. 

Alan mimes having dolls, signals Tyler to follow his example.

DR. BANYON (CONTÕD)

You pick up your Peter doll and you say, ÒPeter!Ó  Go ahead...

TYLER

Peter!

DR. BANYON

ÒPeter, IÕm gonna fuck you so hard youÕll stay fucked for the next year.Ó  See, you can restage your dramas.  Usually when I get done with my Gilbert doll, I pick up my parent dolls. ÒMother, how dare you overwhelm me with your own needs!  DonÕt you realize what youÕve done?  And father, why did you hate me so much?  Because I threw a baseball like a girl?  Well it just so happens that I hate the both of you!Ó 

Tyler is stunned as he watches Banyon snarl and grind his imaginary dolls together.  He catches himself, looks at Tyler.

DR. BANYON (CONTÕD)

DonÕt look at me like that. 

TYLER

YouÕre encouraging me to obsess.

DR. BANYON

IÕm encouraging you to deal with your issues!

TYLER

Why are you yelling at me?

DR. BANYON

Am I yelling?

TYLER

Of course you are.

DR. BANYON

Let me ask you why youÕre angry. 

TYLER

Why am I angry?  I was deceived.  The man is a fucking trap and I fell right into it.

DR. BANYON

Let me suggest that everything youÕre accusing Peter of is true about yourself.

Tyler rises, his temper flared.

TYLER

No!  You are wrong.  Peter sought me out because where he is closed, I am open. Where he is dead, I am alive.  Where he is afraid, I am fearless.  I know that now.

A long pause.  Tyler is having a sudden insight, points at Banyon. 

TYLER (CONTÕD)

You. YouÕre scared, doctor. 

DR. BANYON

What?

TYLER

YouÕre scared.  Of life.  Of intimacy.  You identify with Peter.

DR. BANYON

Tyler, weÕre all scared. 

TYLER

Have you ever been in therapy?

DR. BANYON

Certainly. 

TYLER

Have you ever been diagnosed as having a narcissistic personality disorder?

DR. BANYON

W-what?  I reject those kinds of psychiatric classifications  They are retrograde!  I am a Jungian, an introvert!

TYLER

This is all fucking bullshit!  YouÕve been railroading me to stay in a relationship with someone whoÕs fucked up in the same way you are!

DR. BANYON

ThatÕs not true!  You guys are just as fucked up as we are for wanting to stay with us!

Tyler stares in disbelief. 

TYLER

Us guys?  Me and Gilbert?  One of Òus guysÓ finally realizes youÕve had your own agenda.  Thank you, Dr. Banyon, my money was not wasted here. 

Tyler pushes Banyon in his chair off the stage as he screams.

A spotlight comes on.  As usual, the Clack Boy comes out to hand Tyler the journal and the mirror, but the Clack Boy is dressed in a sequined evening gown.

TYLER (CONTÕD)

Excuse me ...

CLACK BOY

You canÕt talk to me.

TYLER

Why not?

CLACK BOY

Because I donÕt really exist.  

TYLER

Yes, you do.  I havenÕt said anything about all your other outfits, but whatÕs with the Bob Mackie creation? 

CLACK BOY

I just felt like it. 

TYLER

Well, itÕs inappropriate.  It has nothing to do with the last scene.  ItÕs distracting.

CLACK BOY

From what?  Oh, sorry, I forgot.  This production is all about you, isnÕt it?

He hands Tyler the journal and the mirror as they smirk at each other, hands on hips.    

TYLER

(re: the mirror)

No, thank you, I wonÕt be needing this anymore. 

CLACK BOY

Why not?

TYLER

IÕve done enough reflecting. 

CLACK BOY

Oh, really.         

TYLER

IÕm not in here.  IÕm out there. 

CLACK BOY

Oh, youÕre out there all right. 

TYLER

IÕm serious.  If your whole life is about cultivating your identity, then you start treating people like shit -- like stepping stones in your personal evolution, instead of as fellow humans with a mutual need for connection.

CLACK BOY

Whatever you say, Swami.  I just wanted you to reconsider that haircut.

The Clack Boy takes the mirror and leaves.

TYLER (CONTÕD)

Dear journal. Peter Moon wasnÕt who I thought I loved, so now I mourn for my illusion of him.  For me, love is when two people do what they can for each otherÕs well being.  For Peter, love is some tacit agreement for mutual torture. Last night he called me from a nude steaming retreat.  He pleaded with me to go with him to see his latest therapist, a neo-Gestaltist who specializes in dream work and tantric penis massage.  It will take a while to fill this immense, aching emptiness, but no men for at least a year ...if ever again.

 

ACT TWO, SCENE ELEVEN - PROJECT LOVE FOOD

Andrew and Terry are working when Tyler enters.

TYLER (CONTÕD)

I have good news!

TERRY

You met a man.

TYLER

I said I have good news.  I got a job!

ANDREW

What job?

TYLER

A re-write on a film for Universal.

ANDREW

Congratulations.  WhatÕs the project?

TYLER

ItÕs, uh...well...itÕs kind of Interview With the Vampire meets The Joy Luck Club. 

TERRY

YouÕre writing a vampire movie?

TYLER

Well, yeah...

TERRY

Ha!  Wait till the girls hear about this.  One blonde (brunette) girl in particular.

TYLER

Work is work.  At long last I can end my martyrdom in low paying social service.  IÕve realized something -- the whole world is divided into nurses and invalids.

(to Andrew)

IÕm a nurse, youÕre a nurse.

(to Terry)

You are an invalid.  For too long, IÕve been a goddamned nurse. 

TERRY

Does that mean youÕre becoming an invalid?

TYLER

No.  IÕm just nursing myself. 

ANDREW

Speaking of invalids, he wants to call you. 

TYLER

I donÕt know who youÕre talking about.

ANDREW

Tyler...

TYLER

No contact.  I told you. 

TERRY

You still love him.

TYLER

I will always love him.  It doesnÕt mean we should be together.  Last night, I had a dream. 

The lights dim and give way to a dreamscape. 

TYLER (CONTÕD)

We were building the tower of Psycho-babble.  Peter from the north side, me from the south.  Our bricks were all the self-help books that had ever been written.  I had just cemented in, ÒMen Who Love Men Who CanÕt Love MenÓ when I reached the top and heard hissing.  All thirty of Tim BregoffÕs belts were snaking up the tower.  They strapped me down on the top when Peter appeared as the Vampire Lestat and bit into my jugular.

Upstage, Peter appears as Lestat.

TYLER (CONTÕD)

He kissed me with his blood smeared lips and said...

PETER

...YouÕre mine, Tyler.  For eternity.  IÕm Lestat and youÕre my Louis.  No matter where you go or who you sleep with, youÕll always belong to me. 

TYLER

No...no!  I screamed.  I donÕt love you anymore. 

PETER

Of course you do.  YouÕre obsessed with me.  YouÕll even write a play about me. 

TYLER

ÒNo!  No!Ó I yelled.  ÒIÕm going to be happy.Ó  Then he ripped open a vein in his arm and poured blood down my throat.  ÒYou wonÕt be,Ó he said...

PETER

...YouÕll be scared, looking at every man and finding me there.  And in that way, weÕll never truly be alone.  Together and yet, so very alone. 

Tyler shudders involuntarily. 

TYLER

Then my therapists showed up. 

Banyon enters behind Peter. 

DR. BANYON

Tyler, let me suggest that when Peter turns you into a vampire for all eternity, he is being as intimate as he possibly can. 

DÕAgostino enters, nude.

DÕAGOSTINO

I think Peter looks sexy as a vampire.  LetÕs have a three way. 

TYLER

Suddenly, a superhero came to the rescue.  He was strong and handsome - I looked at his face and realized, it was me!  Super Tyler!  I had come to rescue myself.  I hurled Lestat into the blazing light of the sun and cast the psychotherapists down the tower.  Then I picked myself up, flew myself to CaeserÕs Palace in Las Vegas and we got into a giant heart shaped bed.  Then I made love to myself, all night long, and I...was....great!

Lights come up.

ANDREW

IÕll bet you were.  Are you seeing anyone else besides yourself?

TYLER

Last night, I had my first date in a year. 

ANDREW

How was it?

TYLER

Not great.  HeÕs this puppeteer into leather and Hummel figurines. 

ANDREW & TERRY

Ewwwwwww!

TYLER

I donÕt know.  This celibacy thing is real comfortable.

TERRY

Are you telling me you donÕt need a man?

TYLER

If I canÕt be attracted to a man who isnÕt good for me than IÕm better off on my own.  The single life is do-able. 

ANDREW

If this ambrosia salad is going to be do-able, we need more pineapple. 

TYLER

IÕll go.

ACT TWO, SCENE TWELVE - TRADER JOEÕS PARKING LOT

Tyler walks to his car when he is called by ERIC, a handsome shopper. 

ERIC

Excuse me...I just had to ask you.  I noticed you in the produce section.  Why were you sniffing the pineapples?

Tyler takes a pineapple from his bag.

TYLER

ThatÕs how you tell if theyÕre ripe.  You sniff the bottom. 

ERIC

Not the top?

TYLER

No, the bottom is always sweeter and juicier. 

ERIC

Really?  You like the bottoms better?

TYLER

Well, yeah, I love the bottoms, but the top can be...oh, God.

The two of them chuckle.

ERIC

YouÕre even cuter when you blush.  WhatÕs your name?

TYLER

Tyler Sunnydale.

ERIC

Eric Schwartzman. 

TYLER

Eric Schwartzman?  The psychologist?  IÕve read your books. 

ERIC

The former psychologist.

TYLER

Former?

ERIC

I renounced that title when I got involved with the anti-therapy movement. 

TYLER

That sounds a little extreme.  WhatÕs that about?

ERIC

Therapy is antithetical to its goals.  The therapist/patient relationship discourages autonomy. 

TYLER

What about client centered therapy, like Rogers espoused? 

ERIC

No.  The therapist is still in the power position.  He canÕt help but impose himself and his views on the clientÕs process.

TYLER

YouÕre right, but whatÕs the alternative? 

ERIC

Twelve step programs and other support groups.  TheyÕre democratic. 

TYLER

Have you read Szasz and R.D. Laing?

ERIC

The humanists?  Sure, theyÕre my heroes, if I believed in having heroes.  You should read Jeffrey Masson.  Against Therapy is really interesting and ... so are you.  Are you free for dinner?

Tyler hesitates, takes a well worn list from his pocket.

TYLER

Uh, I know this is a little weird, but can I ask you ... do you think relationships are about being happy or working through your parent issues?

ERIC

TheyÕre about being happy.  You may have to resolve some parent issues to remain so.  

TYLER

Good answer.  Have you ever been accused of being passive-aggressive or narcissistic?

ERIC

No, I donÕt believe I have.

TYLER

Do you have an unreasonable fear of intimacy?

ERIC

No. 

TYLER

Do you have any chemical dependencies or obsessive behaviors, sexual compulsion in particular?

ERIC

This is all shrink talk, but no.  What about you, Tyler.  Are you...

TYLER

Yes?

ERIC

YouÕre not a...not a...

TYLER

What?  Spit it out. 

ERIC

YouÕre not an actor, are you?

TYLER

No. 

ERIC

So what do you say?  My place for dinner?

Tyler hesitates.

ERIC

Look, I know youÕre thinking that under this facade lies another damaged, self-loathing asshole who wants to drag you down to his pit of woundedness.  But what if IÕm that rare individual who is kind and considerate with the potential for being a good partner?  Is that an opportunity you really want to pass up? 

The Clack Boy appears and Tyler confers with him over his shoulder. 

CLACK BOY

Say yes, Tyler.  HeÕs cute. 

TYLER

Usually when I get this feeling it means trouble down the line.   

CLACK BOY

I thought you were going to stay in the present. 

TYLER

But heÕs getting way ahead of himself.  We just met!

CLACK BOY

Are you telling me you arenÕt sizing him up as husband material?  HeÕs honest and vulnerable -- you could say no and crush him, or you could take your dick out of retirement.  

TYLER

I just donÕt know.  

CLACK BOY

WhatÕs the matter, Tyler?  Scared?

Tyler stares at the Clack Boy who gloats -- heÕs got Tyler figured out.

CLACK BOY (CONTÕD)

ItÕs just one dinner.  Come on, we have to wrap this picture.

Tyler turns to Eric and shrugs.  

 

          TYLER

IÕll bring a pineapple.

 

BLACK OUT.

 

Return to Main Page                 Hear Clark's music or buy "Saltwater"